- The Princesses

When my older daughter was 3, she spent a lot of time in costumes because – well – because she was 3.  Although her mother would complain that the child should not go out to the supermarket dressed like The Little Mermaid, I argued, “Why not?  Why must Halloween costumes be restricted to one day?”  Boys from my time had a “what I want to be when I grow up” list that included astronaut, police officer, and baseball or football player.  Today’s boys probably have basketball player and rapper.  Girls will likely always think “princess” until someone slaps them into reality.

When I think about princesses, I can’t help but attach “Disney” in front of it.  This may seem strange, but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about those Disney princesses, but raising two girls and going to Disney pretty much every summer will make that not such a strange idea.  All that thinking led to an evaluation of this princess roster from a man’s point of view.  I supposed using the word “roster” kind of gives it a manly touch already.

As is also a manly thing, I now have to figure the best way to make a princess line-up, another manly reference.  To be a Disney princess you need three things:  1. appear in a Disney movie, 2. female, 3. daughter of a king/tribe/leader and/or married to a prince.  That’s about it.  Some princess lists, like Wikipedia, incorrectly include Mulan, who is rather terrific, but is only covered by 1 and 2.  There has been a recent addition of Tiana from The Princess and the Frog, but I don’t know enough about her so, through no fault of her own, she will not be included in this list.  Thus we are left with, alphabetically, the following:

Ariel

Aurora

Belle

Cinderella

Jasmine

Pocahontas

Snow white

Now I need a way to order them.  An easy way would be prettiest to ugliest, but that’s not fair because they’re all pretty and that’s kind of a shallow (but manly) way to list them.  Instead, I will simply list them how I like them, also rather manly, from least to most.  Of course I will explain why, otherwise this didn’t need to be more than pretty much one sentence long.

7. Cinderella

The worst of the princesses, yet considered by many to be the best, Cinderella has two very big strikes against her.  Within minutes of meeting the prince at the ball, she’s already in love.  There is nothing wrong with the idea of wanting to be a princess and wanting to meet any decent guy, even if not a prince.  However, she is all over him a little too quickly.  You could argue that she likely has never been on a date, and that would make her susceptible to wanting to jump on anything with the right chromosomes.  More importantly, or more “wrong,” is that she allows herself to be mistreated by her stepmother and stepsisters.  She’s a slave in her own home.  After her mother dies, her father marries a pretty cruel woman.  Then he dies, and the stepmother takes over.  Cinderella could have done a better job of standing up for herself.  Instead, she willingly went along with the servant program.  She deserves no respect.

6. Snow White

It was not easy to put Snow White above Cinderella, but there is a key difference among the negative similarities.  They are both stupid.  They both fall for the first man who shows them any attention, which may have been typical for their time period because it wasn’t every day that a good man rode up on a horse.  Although Snow White was dumber, I have to give her a break because she was raised within the walls of a castle and never had any sense of the outside world.  If the Wicked Queen told her the sky was green, then it was.  So even though the Dwarves told her not to talk to strangers, it is hard to blame her when an old woman tells her to bite the magic apple and her dreams will come true.  She was pretty dumb, but not the dumbest, so not the last.

5. Ariel

Like it or not, The Little Mermaid should really be called The Little Brat.  Regardless of how inflexible and unreasonable her father, King Triton, might have been, she was going a little too far by declaring that she’s sixteen and will do what she wants.  She, like the previous two princesses, just got a bit too gaga when she saw a cute boy.  She’s cute and smart, and I love that hair, but her attitude needs a big adjustment.  In the end her father makes her human so she can literally run off with Prince Eric, and that was probably the best thing her father could have done for both himself and the rest of the ocean.

4. Aurora

In Sleeping Beauty, the resident princess is barely in the story.  She doesn’t really do anything.  She spends most of the movie hiding out in the forest home of Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather, the three fairies who are protecting her from the evil Maleficent.  The only thing of any importance to say about Princess Aurora is that she is easily the prettiest of them all.  other than that, she is irrelevant.

3. Jasmine

Props go to the little big girl.  Although she is only sixteen, like Ariel, she put the fishtail to shame.  She also has a bit of a defiant streak in her Arabian blood, but she is purely justified when she stands up against Daddy Sultan.  While the law of her land says she marry at 16, she tells them all where they can go.  When Aladdin shows up slinging gold pieces from atop an elephant and an entire circus in tow, she wants nothing to do with him.  This stark contrast is why she makes both Cinderella and Snow white look like classic tarts.  The only reason she starts to fall for the faux prince Aladdin is because he lies to her and pretends to be just a regular guy, while pretending to be a prince, while really being a homeless kid, which is not exactly what she wants, which is still better than an arrogant prince, or a guy who pretends to be one.  Got it?  Good.  She wants a guy of substance because she is a girl of the same.

2. Pocahontas

She kicks ass.  She can run, swim, dive, fight, sing.  Well, they all sing, but somebody else usually supplies the voice.  Anyway, what makes her stand up above the others is that she gets involved when she would have been justified in doing nothing.  When the white settlers arrive, they bring trouble for her tribe.  She could have just stayed quiet and let the men handle it, but instead she took action.  I’m not saying she did the right thing or that her actions turned out well.  Actually, she caused the death of a tribesman, but she still deserves credit for doing something.  And she’s got a fabulous body.

  1. Belle

We have a winner!  Belle is everything.  She, like the others, is a beauty, as her name suggests.  More – I think – importantly, she’s got a heck of a brain.  Beauty and the Beast proves that she has no interest in surface appearances.  When her father disappears, she gets on a horse and rides out to find him.  When she realizes he is locked in a ghastly castle, she goes in after him.  When a monster tries to kick her out, she willingly trades her life for her father’s release.  She outsmarts and rejects the town heartthrob, which completely devastates the three bimbos so ready to throw themselves at his big feet.  You know what they say about big feet.  Big smell.  There is nothing about Belle that you can criticize.  Although, I’m not really sure how she understood the horse.  All in all, she’s the closest there is to a “real” woman.  Some heels wouldn’t hurt though.

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92 thoughts on “- The Princesses

  1. MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! i loved this post, but wtf? mulan is undoubtedly the best. you need to explain yourself!!!!

    • He did Mulan is not a princess she is a girl from a good family, becomes a Warrior and does find love but the guy she is in love with is a generals son and not a prince either so she is not a princess hence why she didn’t make the list did you not read the first part of his discussion?

  2. because she’s technically not a princess. her father wasn’t a leader/king/sultan or anything like that, and she wasn’t married to a prince. sorry. she is cool though.

    • Lock yourself in and watch “The Princess and the Frog.” Tiana was so independent she wasn’t even looking for love, and she spent a lot of time getting to know the guy before she fell in love with him. Also, some of the music is good. (Not all the animation is good, alas.)

      Nevertheless, I concur. Belle was the best.

      My granddaughter loves all the Disney girls, but wants to grow up to be Ashlinne, from the Piker cartoon “Lichloved.” I’d have preferred her to emulate Jasmine instead.

      • i watched it once, but i’ve seen the others dozens of times. i’ll have to see that one again before i can include her. my kids loved it, so did it. thanks for reading.

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  4. Am I seriously the first person to “like” this?! When you said it was your most popular post, I expected to be met by drones of gold stars.

    May I ask your name? I only ask because calling you brainsnorts conjures up two respectively perturbing images I would rather avoid when chatting with you. If you would rather not share, however, i completely understand.

    This should be featured in a magazine — namely a Disney magazine. I happen to know that Disney makes one, though I’m not sure Mr. Iger would condone the haranguing of his most lucrative girls. I loved it. You’re a funny man, and I suspect a wonderful father, too. It’s evident in nearly everything I’ve read of yours that you hold an emphasis on brains over beauty, though are NOT one to overlook a good-lookin’ woman. :) You are human, after all. But I get a sense of who you are from what I read, which to be honest, is somewhat rare to find in blogs. Nearly all people project personas and images, but their voice remains tepid and limpid — you can’t really figure out what’s beneath the “stuff”. You are neither tepid or limpid. I expect this has much to do with you being a writer. My husband purports that writers communicate on an entirely different level than the rest of the world. I would kinda, sorta have to agree.

    Have a blessed day, friend.

    Cara

    • name is rich. when i was about 7 years old, there was a teacher in my school named “bresnowitz.” my uncled (featured in a post called “role models”) called her “brainsnorts.” i’ve never forgotten that, and when i started blogging, it seemed good to use.

      • So very nice to meet you, Rich. And please accept my apology. I realize now that my comment was a bit insensitive. Who am I to say the name — obviously important/significant if you chose it as your screen name — is perturbing. It was a dunce thing to say, and I am sorry. I like the story behind it. I like ALL stories behind most things. :)

      • no no, miss. no apology needed. at this point, i really wish i didn’t use that name because it’s hard to be taken seriously. however, there are a lot of people now who recognize it, so i feel i should keep it. and by “a lot” i really mean about 30.

    • holy crap. that’s more compliments in that one reply then i’ve had – probably ever. i’ve seen a few disney magazines, like “disney insider” and “disney files” which go out to disney vacation club members, which i am. but yeah, i don’t really speak all that well about them, except 1, 2, and 3.

      as for a voice, yeah, i try to let that out without pretension. pretention. acting like something else. once i sent out an anonymous e-mail to a bunch of people at work, and everyone knew it was me because that “voice” just came through. oh, the blessing and curse!

      all i can say is i agree, agree, agree. and please peruse the rest o’ the posts and hopefully you’ll be equally entertained and/or enlightened. well, now that’s being pretentious.

      happy friday!

      • I hope that’s hyperbole . . . You are well-deserving of accolades, whether you have earned them or not.

        I have no doubt that whatever I read of yours I will be simultaneously enlightened/entertained.

        P.S. Is that a picture of you as a child? Your gravatar?
        :)

      • oh, the reason for that gravatar – i used to have a nice picture of myself, but someone who doesn’t like me copied it and used it to create a facebook page pretending to be me and tried to cause trouble for me. amazing.

      • Excuse my blatancy and lack of tact, but — you’re white!! LOL. I assumed you were African-American.

        You must be a very cool white guy. Your tone has swag. ;)

      • last night, or maybe two nights ago, i gained a follower whose blog theme is very clearly about black/african american issues. i bet he was thinking the same thing. or maybe not. maybe he just liked what i had to say.

        swag. ha! my daughter loves justin beiber, and she would laugh if she saw your comment because she – of course – thinks i’m the furthest thing from “swag.”

      • That’s pretty funny, and interesting. One’s picture should have very little to do with gaining credibility and appreciation. Hopefully you’re right and it was the latter.

        Her opinion, while wholly important, is moot. Even more so since she is presumably a teenager. :)

        Okay, I have spent altogether too much time on my blog this morning. Time to entrench myself in edits.

        Have a wonderful day, Rich!

      • you too, and feel free to ask questions if you get stuck on edits. editing/writing/teaching is what i’ve done for the past 25 years until about a month ago when i decided to stop in order to pursue my own writing.

      • Thank you.

        I know :) I found you by way of Alex Autin’s blog; namely your comment/feedback in response to the story she posted earlier this week. Honestly, I’m much too sensitive to share my work at this point. Or, at least my book-child. Poems and the like I love to share. I’m not like most people; constructive criticism only deters and impedes me from improving. Even the innocuous suggestion is a battle-wound. I know I must get over this if I am ever to survive in this dog-eat-dog industry, but for now I take advantage of my anonymity. Luckily, I am so fastidiously hard on myself that I do a pretty good job playing devil’s advocate with my writing. I may just take you up on your offer, though . . . some day. ;) Thank you.

      • i can e-mail a version that you can read on your computer. however, you should first probably look up my two titles on goodreads and see if either is something you’d be interested in reading. they’re also on my blog on the menu bar at the top, first five chapters there. you can begin reading and if you’re interested, then i’ll send you the rest. might save you some time. short stories on the blog too.

        and cool – you’re on good reads, and another friend. thanks!

  5. oh, dear cara – and i think “cara” means “face” in italian. not sure.

    you are possibly too young to recognize “buckwheat” from the little rascals in that picture.

    accolades, no, i get more negative responses than i do positive i think. based on the spiritual nature of the vibe of your blog, i might guess there are a few of my posts that you won’t agree with or enjoy as the ones you’ve seen so far. i won’t spoil the surprise, so i’ll leave it at that. or i’m teasing. we’ll see. one thing i know is that people, if they want, can politely disagree and politely learn from each other, or just walk away until next time.

    but as for accolades, well, i’m somone who probably matches a lot of people, in which i feel that i am well deserving of accolades or attention but i don’t expect to hear or get it. i think my words, attitudes, writing, thoughts are brilliant, and i get disappointed when others don’t agree, so that’s why i don’t expect anything like positive attention.

    i like the way you think though.

  6. Love this!

    When we were kids my sister was always Cinderella, and I was Snow White. I always felt a little inferior because Cinderella was, at the time, way prettier and way cooler. Kind of like when we would play Charlies Angels, and I was the youngest, and my sis always got to be Cheryl Ladd or Tiegs, and I always had to be Sabrina. Now I feel a little validated, thanks. Cinderella is like one of the women on the Bachelor!

  7. LOL! Love this post, and I have to agree on most parts, honestly, you said it better and louder than I ever could (Especially about Cinderella, my least favorite). One thing, I would put Belle down past Jasmine and Pocahontas… I really don’t think a girl should be commended for her chronic Stockholm syndrome. Plus, in the movie, when the wolves attack the Beast and he’s injured and unconscious…. how does that tiny little thing get that big beast up on her horse to take him home? Otherwise, fantastic article!

  8. RIch,
    This one caught my eye b/c it said Princesses…I laughed, I snorted in annoyance and I loved it. Yes, I agree ~ Belle is the best! Love your posts! Glad we connected…

  9. I went through this with my 6 year old grand-daughter about 2 years ago. She’s the princess expert as far as I’m concerned and she was always insistent that Belle was the best princess of all. This article brought up a lot of great memories and I thank you for that.

      • because of the tags? the subject? :)
        does it matter? write all kind of things… your novel but also on the side poems and short posts about whatever inspires you… You want more visitors and readers? Imagine you have opened a restaurant… give them a wide choice, once they get used to you they will come back to try new things… some love novels, some poems, some Disney… you are brilliant in all these kinds of writing, don’t think you are “specialized” only in one of them…

      • actually, no tags on it at all when i wrote it. i didn’t even know about tags until a couple of months ago. but yeah, i try to write various things, although i’ve always thought that very specific blogs have very specific but greater audiences. still learning about this blogging stuff.

      • boh… I am blogging since… a month and 9 days.. :lol: … so I am learning too…
        but my instinct is telling me that there are some simple rules here…
        I did not know about tags and ping and tracking and so many other things… still, I don’t care, I blog whatever I think is worth,and I do it in my spare time, with regret that I don’t have more time… As far as I understand the most important part for is the text itself… the words function as tags, so no problem…

      • i guess that’s what happened with the princesses. we should never stop learning, no matter how old we get. and no matter how smart we are, there’s always someone who can teach us something new.

    • thanks miss. mine was entertaining. yours was thoughtful and challenging. little of this. little of that. mix it all up. see what you get.

  10. What a FABULOUS post! All 5 of my daughters are named after real princesses/queens (no Elizabeth or Diana, though)…and some days – OK, because I’m a hopeless softy – MOST days, I treat them as such. Waiting for it to be MY turn to be pampered!!

  11. I love this post, and I agree with your analysis and your order. Belle kicks the most ass. She falls in love with the ugly dude with the big heart instead of dumb old Gaston and she loves books. What’s not to love?

    Plus she dresses up well. ;-)

  12. i just came across this and I could not stop laughing while reading along. You definately have a lot of good points. I had to cringe after reading about Cinderella and Snow White because I have done just as they did. Fell pathetically for the first guy that came along and said a few kind words. I really am nothing like Cinderella or Snow White. I would not have tolerated the step-mother or sisters for long and the idea of taking care of and cleaning up after 7 men…….hahaha.No way! I would have to say out of all of them I am more of a Belle!

  13. then of course there’s real princesses. They really pale though. Princesses in Disney are getting more sassy, and that can’t be a bad thing for little girls (well, annoying temporarily perhaps if they sass their mums, but eventually a good thing).

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  15. Hi Rich, Thanks for your like on my post “…Muslim Rage”.

    Selected this ‘Princesses’ post of yours to acknowledge you, because it touched me in a soft spot (heart?) of which I am especially aware when with my grand-children. Granddaughter Ilaura (4) is absolutely wrapped in Tinker Bell. Not a Princess but a fascinating little creature. Disney’s contribution to the world is immeasurable. His fantasy world productions and characters live on and still give me joy, even though I am in my seventies.

    Given that I am more often than not a “Grumpy Old Man”,or so my wife says, and probably exhibited in many of my posts, your blog has given me a nice happy start to the day.

    Good luck with your books! Wondering if self-publishing an e.book would work? Regards, Ken.

  16. Did this get FPd?? It damn well should have. Mother of two girls and those movies made me insane. The teenage girls are still chasing down the princesses at Disneyland :) Great one!

      • I think I wrote it about 2 years ago. There is a box on the right side of my blog that shows in order the most popular posts viewed each day. Every other post has it’s moment and then fades away. That post is there every day since it was put up. I wish I could explain it. My guess is that everyday people are searching for info about Disney Princesses, and this post comes up in there Google search.

      • That must have been where it caught my eye. My granddaughter went through a huge Disney Princess phase, and since her father thinks Disney is the evil empire, I am the one who takes her to all the movies… so I am quite familiar with Disney Princesses. Oh the delight, when I would buy her Disney Princess things she would take home!

        p.s. I still have not forgave you for calling Snow White stupid.

      • We take the kids to Disney at least 1 week a year, and we would go more if we could. As for snow white, she would make a great wife who would cater to your every whim, but when I would be at work, I would have to worry about what’s going wrong at home. Not her fault. A product of being locked in a castle for her first 15 or so years. No common sense, no street smarts, never learned a thing.

  17. I need to devote more time to your blog than I currently do (to my own perhaps!). Your posts are just worth a read (at least) and I regret missing so many in between.
    I hope no kid reads this post though!

  18. I laughed so hard that I thought I would pee on myself.
    I will leave it at this, the things that tend to be the most humorous are those things that resonate with us and we chuckle as we say, “Oh my gosh I never thought about it, but that is true.”
    Such is this post…Bravo….

    • hey, do me a favor – how did you stumble upon that post? the reason i ask is because that one post has had more views than almost all of my other 450-something posts combined. i just wonder how so many people happen to arrive at it. i guess they’re all searching for “princess”?

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