Every Wednesday Madison Woods posts a picture prompt to challenge writers to create a 100-word story or poem or anything that works for you. Then post your work on your blog. additionally, on friday, you go back to her site and post a link to your blog entry in the comments on her Friday Fictioneers post.
I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you. Give it a shot. I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way. Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.
The Alley
Corporal, unseen, scanning the alley for enemy movement. Nothing. Taking one step. Another. Rifle at eye level, finger twitching, blinking away memories of sweat, blood. Another. Keeping his back on the wall, each step perfectly silent. Another.
“Corporal,” whispered Captain. “Let’s go.”
“Sir, there’s more of them down there.”
“I know, but it’s not our job anymore. Someone else will get them.”
“Sir, we can’t just let them get away.”
“We have no choice.”
“Sir,” teeth gritting, “we lost too many today.”
“I know, Son. But that was yesterday, not today.” Captain’s hand on Corporal’s shoulder. “It’s time to go.”
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100 words
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PS:
I realize I didn’t write this well enough for readers to totally see what I was thinking. In my head, the Corporal and Captain had died in yesterday’s gun battle. The clues were here:
blinking away memories of sweat, blood
“I know, but it’s not our job anymore.
“Sir,” teeth gritting, “we lost too many today.”
“I know, Son. But that was yesterday, not today.” Captain’s hand on Corporal’s shoulder. “It’s time to go.”
Nice
thanks.
Nice contrast between the tired voice of experience and the fresh voice of youth seeking vengeance. Good one.
thanks miss.
Good. Liked the suspense you created and the way you referred to them as Corporal and Captain.
saved a couple of words not using names, and also the names aren’t important sometimes.
lovely well done…
thanks very much
Very vivid. I like how you’ve used the repetition of ‘another’ in the first section – really effective.
thanks very much for noticing
I was hooked. Good dialogue. http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/fridayfictioneers-i-want-out/
i think dialogue is my strength. thanks.
Really liked this. So vivid. I must confess as I started to read it I had to go back to the picture to see what you saw. My vision was vastly different.
part of the fun of a picture prompt. what we see is influenced by what we’ve seen in our past. i saw an alley in an area of the middeast, like an iran or afghanistan. it might not be there – but that’s what i saw. and then i usually look at the place and i think – “what interesting thing can happen here?” and then i either try to be funny or paranormal. ish.
Very well done as always
thanks miss. very much. and happy friday to you.
Very realistic and vivid. A terse portrayal of PTSD in the making. Wonderful job.
Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/disharmony/
thanks miss. looking forward to yours.
I love the difference in tension between the two; one on edge and the other in control…
yes, that’s there too. thanks for reading miss. happy friday.
The shame and prudence of a receding army! Good work!
thanks miss. receding army. in a way, yes, it was.
Hi Rich,
This really sounded to me like the situation we are in in Afghanistan, with the Afghanis taking over the fighting. Excellent use of dialog to devlop this and present two contrasting points of view. As they say in the movies, inspired by real events. Ron
thanks sir. i’ve got a lot of reading in front of me. getting to yours soon.
You missed both funny and paranormal…and just hit realistic, can-feel-the-frustration, and very well done. Darn.
wasn’t going for funny on this one but have on others. as for paranormal…
I see that it could be paranormal, depending on what they’re after (or what’s after them), but it seemed more like the Middle East to me. Whichever it was, it worked.
definitely soldiers in the middle east after being involved in a battle.
Very strong, very in the moment. I was particularly taken by, “it’s not our job anymore.”
Thank you for allowing yourself to be taken.
Nice work!
thanks sir. i will be getting to yours later today. haven’t read any yet but i always make sure to see them all.
Nice job, Rich! Alleys always seem to spell trouble, don’t they?
sure do.
very nice story. it connects perfectly with the picture…felt like it took me to the streets in parts of the Middle East.
i’m glad it worked. thanks.
LIked this Rich. I see our brave soldiers up on that roof carrying on the realistic dialogue.
thanks miss. these two were brave, for sure.
What I like about this Rich is how focused they are on their duties.. The higher up knowing it’s time to leave and the young gun so intent he does not realize the passage of time. It is realistic in both dialogue and mind set. Well done!
believe it or not, i didn’t see this comment until today. thanks very much.
Well done, Rich. I agree with you. Your dialogue is strong and believable. I can hear the weariness in the captain’s voice.
believe it or not, i didn’t see this comment until today. thanks very much.
This brought me right into the whole situation. I could feel the anxiety and the attempts at control. Love how this tells the larger story in just those few words.
Thank you very much.
Follow orders; always follow orders. That’s the second time this week that particular thing has come up. “Alphas” dealt with it this week too.
Scott
i haven’t gotten to that one yet. thanks for letting me know.
Rich –
Madison wants to give it up and is looking for someone else to take it on… would you consider doing it?
Randy
i would be proud to do so, but i don’t know if i could live up to it.
If you meant that you wouldn’t be good enough – I doubt that.
If you meant live up to the commitment, that i understand.
oh, i think i can deal with the commitment, but the technology, the grid with the icons and clicking and submitting and how all that works, i don’t know how to do that on my blog.
Sure you would learn the technology Rich. Madison will explain and it you are stuck I would be happy to help if I can. I could not manage the commitment at my end with all else that is on my plate, but I think you would carry the torch very well.
I agree. You would carry the torch well.
I would like to do it, but I don’t think I have the grasp of the technology that is needed.
I could hear the weariness in the Captain’s voice, Rich. I liked the use of rank.
thanks sir. this was a good example of information in my head that didn’t reach the page, because what i was going for (unsuccessfully) was that these two soldiers had been killed in the previous day’s battle. the corporal’s spirit would not leave, and the captain had to go back and get him in order to “move on.” but i’m glad it worked even without that coming through.
captures the reality of duty. Very good
thanks a bunch. happy saturday
Understandably, my reaction to your story changed after I read your explanation to tedstrutz–I thought you were dealing with battle fatigue and the disorientation that comes with the horrors of war. I like your idea that they were killed and the undying strength of the young man’s desire to complete his mission.
thanks. like last week, if i have to explain, then i didn’t write it well enough. i thought these were good enough clues: ” blinking away memories of sweat, blood.” memories – not actual sweat and blood. and ““I know, Son. But that was yesterday, not today….It’s time to go.” the battle was the previous day, but they were still there. and “it’s time to go,” means going to the afterlife. but i can also see how some interpreted this as our troops pulling out of the action. oh well. sometimes it works. sometimes not.
Took me a while to see that they were dead, but personally I love a story more if there is a level of ambiguity in the story. Also to me the picture lend itself to some level of “dizziness”.
yeah, there’s kind of a vertigo effect going on in the pic for sure. as for ambiguity, i appreciate it in something like j.k. bradley’s piece on this same pic. that kind of ambiguity i like, where you don’t know what’s happening, but you know something is about to happen. good or bad, no way of knowing. oh well. to each his own.
You’re right. The story needs one more subtle kvetch for the state of the characters to be more evident. Perhaps another line of dialogue by the captain or the corporal.
If you revise, hope you’ll share it with us all.
i kinda feel i had my chance, but maybe i’ll fix it. thanks.
I don’t mind that you had to explain Rich
I loved the fuller story with the explanation, especially the fact that the Corporal could not see the full truth of the situation and was carrying on as before. Goosebumps.
Thanks for the epilogue explanation …. otherwise, I wasn’t concentrating enough to catch it.
or i hadn’t written well enough.
Rich this is classic! Thank goodness i came after the rush on here…the PS opened my eyes to the beauty of the dialogue! Nice one!
thanks very much sir. i appreciate that you were reading.
Great writing, Rich. Once again!
Too kind of you.
I really like this and the background that you gave do helped a lot to truly understand…great story, rich!!! Mine is here
Have you a ROCKING AND BLESSED WEEK!!!
hugs
shakira
Color me impressed. I like it.
Was that picture taken in Mykonos?
Thanks a bunch. I kno little about the picture other than Greece so possible.
It is definitely Mykonos. I have been there and you don’t forget that island.
that’s terrific that you’d be able to recognize that. shows how perceptive you are.
It is an island of white buildings that are repainted white (supposed to be at least) every year. No car has ever been on the island so the alleys are very narrow. Your picture brings me back. Thank you. I am curious, did you ever come to understand the nature of statistics after that class?
oh, not my picture. wish i could take the credit. as for statistics, i did grasp a lot of it later when it was a more practical application and time to learn instead of a dingy windowless basement classroom with a stunning brunette very much distracting me in the next seat.
Good. I am glad. I was wondering if the experience threw up a wall for you or not. I had a hard time in statistics too. I had to swing by the teachers office everyday after class to get extra help. I came out of it and did well, but I had to ask for help. Thank God I did not have those issues with a calculator.
also glad you weren’t a virgin in college who couldn’t keep his eyes of an amazing girl next to you.
No, I was not a virgin, but still likely distracted by the amazing girl next to me.
ha ha!
Somehow I don’t think you are that shy college virgin anymore.