#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 1/11

Every Wednesday Rachmaninoff Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt to challenge writers to create a 100-word story or poem or anything that works for you.  After you post your work on your blog,  go back to her site and add a link to your post on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

________________________

copyright-roger-cohen

Showtime

Moments before the 8pm show, tremors shook Karnagee Hall.

Tiny, “IT’S GONE!”

Dust rained in the basement as he stomped his feet.

The stagehand, “We’re looking, Tiny!”

The agent, “Get him a chair!”

The seamstress, “Get him a couch.”

Tiny, “Whaaaa!”

First clarinet, “Please change my seat.”

Tiny, “Whaaaaaaaaaa!”

The conductor, “Keep him quiet!”

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

The stagehand, “I’ll get tissues.”

The custodian, “I’ll get a mop.”

The seamstress, “Maybe a towel.”

The agent, “Call the producer!”

Tiny stomped harder.

The producer, “Call the carpenter!”

The mover trudged carefully, lugging an oaken cello.

The mover, “Found it!”

Tiny smiled, “My violin!”

________________________

100 words

This would have been a good one for me to have kept track of the revising because I had originally written ...said the agent  and …said the stagehand after each line of dialogue.  Then I realized I could get away with removing “said” from each line because we can tell that it’s being said.  It’s dialogue.  Then I shifted the attribution to be beginning, like a script.  Like this:

Producer:  Call the carpenter!

The problem there was that it did not give me the same visual impact without quotation marks, but I didn’t like having the quotes with the name and colon because it just isn’t the right format.  By moving the quote after the title, it gave the dialogue more impact, which is what really drives this.  For me, it felt like a nursery rhyme, which is kind of what I wanted.

About these ads

108 Responses to #fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 1/11

  1. tedstrutz says:

    Karnagee Hall … What a hambone! The clues are all there… clever stuff (in 100 words exactly, I’m sure).

    Tiny>Cello>Violin

  2. You’re always so clever, Rich. I enjoyed it!

  3. yerpirate says:

    Very, very funny!! Really enjoyed it very much. The dialogue/characters….really hilarity as an art form.

  4. kz says:

    really enjoyed reading this :)

  5. muZer says:

    Hehe.. That’s a fun story.. Couldn’t have imagined anything funny on this photo prompt.. :-)

  6. dmmacilroy says:

    Dear Rich,

    That was rich.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  7. Dear Skitch,
    I have a clear picture of Tiny. Hey, hey, hey. Clever.
    shalom,
    Rachmaninoff.

  8. aFrankAngle says:

    Subtitled: the night Yo Yo Ma tried to hide Izthak Perlman

  9. claireful says:

    Great rhythm – especially with that giant Whaaa right in the middle. And I love the seamstress, always going larger than the previous speaker. Very clever.

  10. Funny, and good pacing.

  11. Sandra says:

    Very balanced piece, almost rhythmic. Nice work.

  12. The fast-paced dialogue really carries the reader along. Reading it, the mental image I got of Tiny was similar to the baby in Spirited Away

  13. boomiebol says:

    Hehe…love whaaaaa…very well done as always

  14. Hey Rich,
    Good one, developed with your usual conversational skill, with the bonus of humor. Was Gov. Christie the model for this? Ron

  15. Tom Poet says:

    Little big man….Thanks for the laugh. Well done as always.

    Tom

  16. “Tiny” indeed! Do they call him that because he acts like a baby? It sure isn’t because he’s small.

    Very funny, Rich. :)

  17. Joyce says:

    Ha Ha Ha! I am still chuckling. :) That was hilarious. Loved it. So lighthearted and fun. Keep them coming Rich. I am taking a break from FF for a few weeks while, healing from cataract and lens implant surgeries. But, still can’t take a total break from my writing so am trying to work on other posts and stories that I have not had enough time for.

    • rich says:

      take your time, miss. health is more important than anything, of course. thanks for reading and enjoying, and we look forward to your return.

  18. Great stuff and very funny. What a “tiny” diva!

  19. Is this Tiny from my” ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”? I didn’t even know he played the cello/violin. :-) Egg-salad* story, as we like to put it.

    *excellent

    janet

    • rich says:

      thanks very much for reading. i like the sound of both excellent and egg salad. especially on toast. uneventful drive?

      • Uneventful in a good way. I started listening to an old Robert Ludlum book on CD and the scenery was great and gave me some pictures for this morning’s post. Looking forward to the history tour. :-)

  20. wmqcolby says:

    Which is better? A bassoon or a violin? Bassoon — it burns faster!

  21. jmmcdowell says:

    With references to Tiny and a seamstress, did strains of a certain Elton John song flash through anyone else’s mind?!

  22. JackieP says:

    whaaaaaaaa! Really fast paced and fun. I enjoyed it. Something upbeat and positive. (see what a positive outlook will do?)

  23. Well done! I grew antsy just following the drama. Tiny, a diva, a drama king/queen. How we suffer for our art.

  24. writeondude says:

    Interesting. I think you’ve just invented a whole new style of dialogue attribution. Might get some getting used to, and probably only good for very short fiction. Bravely done, and a nice story too.

  25. Very funny creative piece, with effective dialogue as always. We actually went in the same general direction with the prompt this week but took different paths. Still I was fooled almost to the end!

  26. Great story. I love the way you experiment with something new every week.

  27. unspywriter says:

    I guess things don’t go smoothly at Karnegee Hall. ;) Nice use of dialogue and great humor.

    Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/love-with-strings-attached/

  28. EmmaMc says:

    I have story envy! Very clever

  29. Jan Brown says:

    Outstanding! Funny, very creative and not far from the backstage truth of many musical performances. Loved it!

  30. Nice one Rich, loved the fact that you were bold enough to take the ‘said’ out, it made the whole piece punchier and more lively. BTW, I’m ooking forward to your interview finally going up on the blog this coming Thursday too. :-)

  31. Anne Orchard says:

    This was great, and the dialogue attribution worked very well. Like you said it almost had the feel of a nursery rhyme or poem. This is the one it reminded me of (for the rhythm, not the content) http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/241532

  32. brudberg says:

    Ha, brought a lot of laughter. Especially “call the carpenter”

  33. rgayer55 says:

    I really enjoyed the breakdown of your editing process. We all go through something similar, but few can describe the their process in such a manner as to be helpful to others.

    Great story, I could feel the crescendo building from the first note.

  34. Before I even read your explanation I was thinking, ‘this is a nursery rhyme’. Bullseye!

  35. deanabo says:

    Terrific take on the picture. I enjoyed how this was written.

  36. Oh, perfection. Love this.

  37. Glad to see you looking at dialogue. It gets to me at times. I read that you should only used “said” after each one, but I like seeing something just a bit different or, as you did, nothing.
    Well done.
    Scott
    Mine: http://www.inlinkz.com/wpview.php?id=228921

    • rich says:

      the theory is that IF we right the dialogue correctly, we won’t need “shouted” or “exclaimed” or anything else because the dialogue will reveal that. thanks for reading.

      • I understand that. But, when I am reading, I still get bored if all it is is “said”. May be just me.

      • rich says:

        no, not just you. we have been trained to expect more for the assistance when reading. and i think writers feel the need to do it. what bugs me is when the thesaurus comes out in order to find more ways to say “said.” some of the best of the worst is in the “twilight” series. such as lines like “No,” Edward disagreed.

      • lol, but he sparkles!

      • rich says:

        ugh. yes. he does. oh joy.

      • I see that I like the movies just a bit more than you. Don’t get it wrong though – a vampire should not sparkle; bursting into flames is my idea of fun for them.

      • rich says:

        was not a fan of the books. i thought they were poorly written, but i more specifically mean poorly edited, not the story. too many sentences were “blah blah blah,” he said (adverb). things like “I’m not really sure,” he said abstractedly. some really stretched out adverbs. i had a long list and was going to make a blog post but lost the list.

      • I think most of us understand and, probably, have seen what you are talking about. She wrote it from a dream and for teens. When I watched the movies, I had to keep reminding myself of who the audience was to be. I enjoyed some parts of the story, but did not like either main character (actor/actress). She did a creditable job in “Snow White and the Huntsman” though.
        Scott

      • rich says:

        was hard for me to “feel” for bella when she kept putting herself and others in danger.

      • Yeah, there’s that, too.

      • Debra Kristi says:

        Do you mind if I add something here? I don’t care to use the word “said” that much when I’m writing either. Instead I try to tag dialogue with an action made by the speaker, if that makes sense. For example, “He shifted uncomfortable.” Or “He kicked the can at his foot.” It will up your word count but is often worth it when revealing your character’s emotion more clearly. Just my humble opinion.

      • rich says:

        I know we use “humble opinion” to be polite, but yours is a very worthy opinion and describe something that I try to do as well. I guess I am not so humble.

  38. mari wells says:

    I loved it! It was great! I enjoyed your notes. It was like a nursery rhyme.

  39. Debra Kristi says:

    What a fun little number. Tiny sounds slightly high maintenance. Better keep his instrument with him at all times. Sure glad they found it. :D

  40. Sarah Ann says:

    Loved the story and the styling. All those saids would have weighed it down.
    How many more speaking characters can you squeeze into 100-words? :)

  41. Highly creative – I can see it on the stage ;)

  42. nightlake says:

    It was fun:) well written

  43. Sunshine says:

    my favorite line…”I’ll get a mop” followed by all the waahhhh
    you had me right in the middle of the entire scene…loved the drama! <3

what say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,031 other followers

%d bloggers like this: