If you are not aware of A Clown(e) on Fire, I forgive you. He might not. In a recent post, he declared an opening for the position of “A Clown on Fire: Club Member Wrangler” (ACOFCMW) which loosely translates to “Dapper One Under Clown’s Honorable Expertise” (DOUCHE). In order to gain the title of DOUCHE, one must declare one’s candidacy as well as express one’s reasons for declaring one’s candidacy. The rest of this post might not make much sense to those who aren’t aware of the competition – but there’s a great picture of the mayor’s wife. So I got that going for me too.
_______________________________________
“I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.” Groucho Marx.
Le Hero De Moi
If there were ever a club I would love to join, it would be Club Clowne. And if there ever were a club that would hit you over the head, it would be Club Clowne. And if there ever were yet another club of which I had joined and would be closed by the police after various members were caught with their pants not just down but on the wrong people, it would be inconspicuously blending in on South Street in Philadelphia while fronting as a Mexican restaurant. Not that it ever actually happened.
As a member of Club Clowne, I would take my duties as seriously as I take my coffee. Sugar, no milk. I’m no pussy. The title I would hope for is Efficiency Expert. I know that term is rather highly technical for most people, so let me break it down. “Eff-” as in F- you. As in, if you don’t like how I’m approaching my duties as Efficiency Expert, then fuck you. It doesn’t take an expert to say “fuck you.” Just say it like you mean it, or you’re at least willing to back it up. In fact, Club Clowne will need an official greeting, and I think we’ve just established one. We will also need a secret handshake. I propose a middle finger up one’s nose, then swish and flick. Projectiles earn extra points.
As a member of Club Clowne, it will be my job to see that meetings are productive. One of the best measures of a productive Club meeting is how many paper towels were needed to clean up after the meeting. Need for a mop earns extra points.
la femme du maire m’aime
As a member of Club Clowne, I would gladly play a role with public relations. For example, I would be happy to write press releases to explain how it was all a misunderstanding and the mayor’s car will be returned later today and in relatively good condition. Returning the mayor’s wife might take a little longer. Just waiting for the penicillin to kick in.
As a member of Club Clowne, I would assist with fund-raising. The main source of income would be what my New Jersey friends and I used to call “Window Insurance.” It always seemed to be a great coincidence that someone’s windows would get mysteriously broken less than a week after missing a window insurance payment. Go figure.
c’est tout simplement faux!
As a member of Club Clowne, I would do my best to promote diversity in our membership. If that means scouring the bayous or small apartments of Louisiana in order to find qualified personnel, then dammit that is where I must go. If that means riding a creaky bus through the northern highlands, then I will be on that bus, though I expect it will be a short bus. If that means walking the beaches of Mexico wearing a Speedo after double-dosing on Viagra, then I will make that sacrifice. Worked last time, so what the hell.
As a member of Club Clowne, I would be certain to volunteer for record keeping. Just put them in the closet, but be careful not to let Tom Cruise get out. Last time he got out, it took us three days to get him back in again – and he was NOT happy about it, but Katie Holmes was tapping dancing like a midget trying to stamp out a fire.
In closing, I know that it is not a right, not a privilege, not just an honor, but it would be a “privhonright.” I’ll get back to you on what that means, but I can give you this much – getting OUT of Club Clowne will be just as tough as it will be to get in. If you’re not sure what that means, just ask any of the recovered hamsters that spent last Saturday night in Oprah Winfrey’s ass.
(Translations by Google© Translate)
“je n’ai pas mangé, cette fois”
Rich,
You know I would love you as president of all my fancies, I must warn you, as a friend: you’ve mentioned Oprah AND Tom Cruise in one post… You’re a brave man, Run. Hide. It was a pleasure knowing you.
Le Clown
at least i left out john travolta.
Rich,
John Travolta is to Scientology what peach snaps is to 100 proof rum, only not as tasty.
Le Clown
mmmmm. rummmm.
Efficiency Expert..Eff…very very clever. That should be all you need to say to Le Clown, right? At the very least, he’ll know you’re serious about this. Well done, Rich!
thanks, miss. but i’m nothing until i get those glasses!!
Oh, of course! You can borrow them if you’d like.
i wouldn’t let them out of your sight…
Well, what a conundrum…
not sure about that, but i know it’s a tricky situation.
I’m sure you’ll have lots of these types of situations being in charge of Club Clowne…tricky situations.
don’t forget the “sticky” ones too.
Right! See..you are on top of things!
if i’m going to cause “sticky” then i better be ready to clean up “sticky.”
This should definitely be one of your selling points.
The best clowns don’t have to apply or volunteer… they don’t have to join a club… I think you’ve got natural talent for it, so I suggest you run away. If the constituency starts running after you, that’s a good sign.
I’d vote for you for DOUCHE. haha! Seriously, you sure about all this?? I do think you could handle it. But could we? It’s a lofty goal you are after Rich. Good luck. Really. I would vote for you. (If you have any questions on this comment ask, as I know you like questions.)
yes, it is lofty. but we have to aim high in order to piss as far as we can. and if it’s not far enough, climb a tree and piss further.
damn, only works for guys. I mean I could try that, but it would just end up going down my leg. yuck. But, I’m sure you could carry it off.
lots of practice.
well since I’m not into golden showers I’ll let you have at it and just sit back and enjoy the show.
oh, me neither. i didn’t mean it that way. sorry. eww.
haha! sorry rich I couldn’t resist. I knew you didn’t mean it that way. double eww. I’m weird what can I say?
not weird. willing to have fun.
I’ll go with that. thanks
Well played sir…I mean Douche. This is like one of those Age before beauty things….or it would be if you had went first.
my kid reminds me every day that my life is half over.
Sounds nice. I tell my mom that if the pets start talking back to her she’s going up town, where we will only feed her pizza and pancakes…..why you ask? Because that is the only type of food that will fit under the door.
that’s a great line. i’ll have to remember that. or i’ll fall victim to it. either way, it’s funny.
Brainsnots…oops *snorts*…well done!
thanks miss. love that gravatar.
We have a lot in common…
you love your gravatar too? i would hope so. if i looked like that, you’d never get me away from the mirror.
Too flustered looking in mirror to respond, she said in black and white.
I slightly disturbed by the dude with a nose on his crotch. Really, who puts their nose THERE? Right next to their fart hole? That guy’s olfactory sense must be fried.
you just gave me an idea to edit that pic. thanks!
I can’t wait to see this.
had to adjust the clown “nose” on mr. mexico
You have my loyal vote. You know this, and you know why.
shhh. check is in the mail. (fist bump)
With BB in black and AK lowering the neckline, reading this took me 20 minutes. Meanwhile, you are a natural to be Sir Le Douche!
thanks sir. and yes, watching BB now. AK was stunning in royal blue this morning. SM in red. just a rainbow today.
I was away most of the morning, more for the rainbow would be SOB’s yellow today.
oh, forgot about that. yup.
Dammit Rich! One of the only ideas I had for this contest was a Groucho picture. I can’t win with a Zeppo picture, I know that.
Shemp?
Gummo/Curly Joe hybrid, maybe.
near me, over in philly, is an outdoor lunch spot with a special sign commemorating that larry fine used to have lunch there often.
That’s awesome.
i should steal the sign.
If you want to be accepted as ‘cool’, then it’s really your only option. So, what’s it gonna be, Rich? Are you cool?
just don’t call me chicken.
cluck, cluck
>.<
Le Calahan,
It’s getting late….
Le Clown
This is more complex than I envisioned. Kudos to you for the club greeting, handshake, mayor’s wife and paper towels. I hope the rule book for members is not as complex as the duties of the Efficiency Expert.
i’m taking it on me to make it easier on the members.
iDontLikeAchilles,
Less whining, more Le Clown loving.
Le Clown
[...] to the others who have thrown their hats in the ring (here’s looking at YOU BroJo and Rich) I have only one thing to [...]
Rich,
Fuck you.
Since I am the only one so far to use the club greeting I nominate me to be your right-hand-man. btw-I use the left.
Red
or sergeant at arms?
I like it. Does that come with a harem?
and travel expenses.
I’m in.
Red,
You’ll have to do better than riding Rich’s coattail on this one if you want to get close to the magnificent™ BFF4EVS™ tag. I expect great things from you.
Le Clown
“great things.” that’s what the sorting hat said to harry potter. (cue dramatic music)
Le Clown,
Damn you! I thought I might slip in the back door.
My next project is all you.
Prepare to blush.
Red
leave a window open so i can peek.
I really enjoy reading your posts
dey r always interestin
dey r? tanks bery muts!
hahaha
yus dey r
As someone who does not swear (as a general rule and not where it is in public), I can’t use that club greeting. Does that mean I have to leave the carnival?
how about sign language?
Sadly, it still wouldn’t work. Especially not when I’m in habit!
in habit?
Yes. As in, the garment worn by nuns, monks, brothers and sisters of Christian religious communities. (Obviously one each, not all in the one garment at the same time. That would just be weird.)
wait. really?
Yes, really. I was Clothed (given the habit) as a Novice, in the Order of the Holy Paraclete, at the end of September. I’m sure I did a post about it, but maybe I didn’t.
or maybe you did and i just didn’t catch that one.
Anything is possible!
It doesn’t help that I really don’t post as much as I should do – I get all caught up in having to comment and don’t write out the thoughts in my head.
i know what you mean. there is a balance between writing as much as you want and reading as much as you can. i read a lot less than i used to in order to write as much as i need to. i always feel like i’m ignoring other blogs while others are so generously reading mine. i don’t enjoy how that feels.
I’m just not as good at organising my time as I’d like to be! There are times of day when I could type up my thoughts into a text document to then copy and paste, but I find myself doing something else instead. There are about five posts I could be working on but instead I mess around playing solitaire or freecell.
love solitaire. not good at freecell. and i have similar struggles, but not with those games.
You have my vote. For being the best DOUCHE there could ever be, for the paper towels, for the speedo, and for that very disturbing image of the hamsters.
thanks. just proves that hard work pays off.
Excellent use of the required props. You’d make a great Wrangler for Le Clown.
i’m good with tying knots. bad at untying them. but you already know that. sorry.
Well, Rich, I will say one thing: You are a very interesting man!
Scott
That can be taken 12 different ways. So I will take it the best way I can think of. Thanks!
Do that!
Hahaha this is great. You shall be a very tough competitor, I can see that. Btw, my favorite picture is of course the dude showing off his shit.
Yeah, that is some shit he’s got! Thanks for reading.