1. Two adjectives, one comma
2. Hyphenated compound adjective
3. A lot
4. Commas and Conjunctions
5. Than vs. Then
6. Affect vs. Effect
7. That vs. Which
I have friends who are decently politically connected and often ask me to review their business writing. However, they never seem to have time for me to explain what their mistakes are so they can avoid them in the future. It disturbs me that they have no interest in learning something. Bitches just want me to fix it so they can move on. But not you – you want to learn. Right? Especially because you also read part 1 and part 2.
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1. Two adjectives, one comma
Teacher: Class, what is the difference between these two sentences?
The fast blue car severed Joey’s head from his body.
The fast, blue car severed Joey’s head from his body.
Teacher: Anyone notice the difference? Raise your hand if you see it. Yes. New girl in the back from Louisiana, plaid skirt, dancer’s legs.
Student: Can I have detention again?
Teacher: No. Anyone else? Dammit. Okay. I’m sure you’ve seen light blue and dark blue and medium blue, but have you ever seen a color called “fast blue”? Of course not. Louisiana, put your hand down. That’s a different spelling.
The car is fast. The car is also blue. Fast and blue are each separately describing different characteristics of the car. Therefore, fast and blue need to be separated by a comma. The comma is needed, and we can prove it by separating the two like this:
The fast car severed Joey’s head.
The blue car severed Joey’s head.
they’re faking it
See? They both work independently, so they need a comma to separate them. Let’s try another one.
The dark red stain on Cheryl’s white shirt was growing.
The dark, red stain on Cheryl’s white shirt was growing.
Okay, let’s try it again. Should there be a comma between dark and red, or should they stay separate? That depends on what you want. The stain is red, but is it dark as well? Is dark helping to describe the red or the stain? If dark is there because the red is a dark version and not a light color red, then you do not want the comma because dark and red have to work together. To make it simpler, break each adjective and make a separate sentence:
The dark stain was growing
The red stain was growing.
Is that what you want? If so, then you need the comma. If that seems as dumb as balls, then you don’t need the comma because dark and red must be together for the desired effect of a red that’s dark and forming a stain on the white shirt of Cheryl, NOT of Cherry Hill, NJ. ;)
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2. Compound adjectives
This will be fun. One of these is wrong. Yes, Louisiana, that means one is right.
Bourbon Street is hooker-infested. It’s my favorite lunch spot.
My favorite lunch spot is hooker-infested Bourbon Street.
faking it, for a price
I’m sure you have seen sentences in which there are two words that seem like they should be hyphenated, but you’re not quite sure. Wanna be sure? It is similar to the previous one about the fast, blue car but a little different because there are two steps.
Step 1 – can hooker and infested be used separately? I know that I can say that Bourbon Street is infested. Can I also say that Bourbon Street is hooker? Nah, that doesn’t work, so we are probably going to need the hyphen. However, we are only halfway there.
Part B – Once we know that hooker and infested must work together to describe Bourbon Street, we now have to look at their location. When the two words come immediately before the word they describe, then the hyphen is needed, such as in the second example: hooker-infested Bourbon Street. In the first example, the two words come after the item being described, so no hyphen is necessary.
Don’t ask me why. Just frigging do it.
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3. A lot or Alot?
What is the definition of “lot”? It’s an amount or a collection or a bunch of things.
I watch a bunch of porn.
I watch a collection of porn.
I watch a lot of porn.
Did I write abunch? Acollection? Alot? No, because there is no such single word as “alot.” Type it into MSWord and see what happens. It will automatically change if your version of Word is new enough. Then type “I really want sex with you” in MSWord, e-mail it to me, and see what happens. Only talking to the ladies out there. Women too.
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4. Commas and Conjunctions
I puked after seven bottles of beer __ and again after two more.
I puked after seven bottles of beer __ and I puked again after two more.
Most people usually put commas in both of these sentences, so you’re getting one of them right but the other wrong. Did your English teacher explain a compound sentence, or was she too busy banging the gym teacher in the equipment room? Just want to say I’ve never done that. With a gym teacher.
A compound sentence is when you have two separate sentences, two separate subjects and verbs, two separate complete thoughts closely related enough that it’s cool for them to be joined together. That would be the second item above. Sure, they could be two separate sentences, but it’s nice for them to hang together, like cousins. Yeah, I’m a family guy. Here’s the second example as two separate sentences.
I puked after seven bottles of beer. I puked again after two more.
But if you were to break the first example, the wrong one apart, it would look like this:
I puked after seven bottles of beer. Again after two more.
ruin shoes or puke on feet through sandals?
These are not two separate sentences, not two complete thoughts with separate subjects and verbs, so you would not put a comma in item 1. Look at it this way – in a compound sentence, the comma+conjunction work exactly as a period. In this example from above, I put a period in place of the comma+conjunction:
I puked after seven bottles of beer. I puked again after two more.
Teacher: Any questions? Yes, Louisiana?
Louisiana: What about this? The football team drove me to school, and the baseball team drove me home.
Teacher: That depends. Are you telling me what a good day you had yesterday, or are you giving me an example of a compound sentence that correctly uses a comma with a conjunction? If it’s both, then it seems like detention is win-win for everybody.
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5. Than vs. Then
Teacher: I want you to focus on two letters. (Student raises hand) Yes Eric?
Eric: F U.
Teacher: Not the answer to my question.
Eric: What question?
Teacher: Are you trying to get detention with Louisiana?
Eric: I don’t know where Louisiana is. I’m from Canada.
The two letters I want you to focus on are the A in Than and the E in Then. See how they’re both in the same place in their respective words? A and E. Now I want you to remember two words and attach them to these two letters:
thAn – A – compAre - use thAn when you compAre things
Her breasts are bigger thAn yours. Ha ha.
thEn – E – timE - use thEn when using timE order
First I removed her blouse, thEn I removed her bra.
Teacher: Wasn’t that easy? Any questions?
Louisiana: What’s a bra?
.
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6. Affect and Effect
I wish I had something cute and cuddly for this one, like the breasts from the previous item, but I got nothing but memorization.
Affect – A – chAnge – it’s a verb. When you Affect something, you chAnge it.
My tight pants will affect how big my penis looks.
My tight pants will change how big my penis looks.
I got nothing for Effect except that an Effect is a thing, like Special Effects. Special things There ya go. Think movies – special effects – explosions, lasers, Jurassic Park dinosaurs and shit like that.
That was a great Effect.
That was a powerful Explosion.
That was a cool Erectosaurus.
Louisiana: Is that a real dinosaur?
Teacher: I’ll let you know at about 4 o’clock.
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7. That vs. Which
Oh dear. This one is a bitch. The basis for these two is that one is part of a group and one is all by itself.
I got kicked out of the bar that is on Ocean Avenue.
I got kicked out of the bar, which is on Ocean Avenue.
Using that, as in the first example, means that there is more than one bar, but the one that kicked me out is on Ocean Avenue. There are other bars, but that is the one that tossed me out. In the second example, there is only one bar, and that one bar is on Ocean Avenue. Sad, I know. Hurts just to say it.
Normally there will be a comma before which. Why the comma? There is only one bar – total. Most people probably know the one bar, but just in case someone is not sure, we then add the location. In the first example, I have no choice but to add the location because there are other bars, so there is no hesitation because I need to be clear that it was the bar on Ocean Avenue that kicked me out. Roid-headed bastards could have just asked. Busted my tailbone on the sidewalk.
Sometimes this kind of sentence involves people. Then, we use who instead of which.
This is my idiot brother that is good at baseball.
This is my idiot brother, who is good at baseball.
In the first example, I have two idiot brothers, but only one is good at baseball. The other is good at watching football. I’m specifying that this particular idiot brother happens to be good at hitting things with a bat. So were cavemen. In the second example, I only have one idiot brother. In addition to being an idiot, he is also good at hitting things with a bat.
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Don’t forget, leave your suggestions for part 4 in the comments. This part included some of your suggestions, and I had half a brain I would have indicated who suggested what. But I’m an idiot. So is my brother.
Had to share this, so awesome.
What’s mine is yours, so share however you wish.
Best one so far. Some good tits in there too. I mean TIPS.
Thanks, Louisiana. I would have had tits in there, but I wanted to keep the graphics safe for work. Mostly. A little. Almost.
How noble of you.
Can you please clarify the use of the words ‘past’ and ‘passed’? I’ve read so many potentially incorrect uses of both of these that I am no longer sure which is which.
PS – I am learning. But I make mistakes. Be gentle.
Gentle? If I must, ok. But just this once. Thanks for reading, and “past” history. Passed is past tense of pass, but it’s now on the list.
This was great! Unfortunately I forgot everything I read once I got to Jennifer Anniston’s picture.
Happens to the best of us. And the worst. Thanks for reading.
Pet peeve: There’s for plural vs there are. Makes me want to throw a book at someone’s head. Not yours. You seem to have your shit together. Gotta go. Proofreading my next post. Again.
You’re my favorite teacher.
You’re my favorite stormtrooper.
Woohoo!!!
Nobody else has theme music. Just you.
The Imperial March is pretty bad ass.
The best.
Just gets better and better! Of course I knew these things already, but it’s nice to know that there are other people who get annoyed at poor grammar.
I hate it when people mix up “your” & “you’re”, and also “their”, “there” and “they’re”. If a person is dyslexic, then fine, but if not then it’s just stupidity which really makes me wish we could do something about either sending these people back to school to learn it properly, or maybe sterilising them so they cannot further pollute the gene pool!
Oh lord, I have a-lot to learn (;
Ha! Thanks for reading.
I liked this one a lot. (Not allot, and of course anytime you have a lot you have a too much). The one about affection for breasts caught my eye.
I am very happy that you enjoyed it, and thank you greatly for reading.
Some of these I can let go with most people. The “which” and “that” usage still gets me. However I don’t get the “then” and “than” problem. They seem like completely different words to me, which (that) they are. At my previous school the 8th grade English teacher always used then and than wrong. And she was in charge of writing the memos for the department meetings! O_o
that teacher needs a beating. and not the kind she might like. thanks for reading.
These few posts are now my reference when writing my statements
glad to help. there will be more.
MORE!? What is left?
dunno for sure, but things come up occasionally, and people give me suggestions.
such a fun post. wish I had you for a grammar teacher. I may have learned something.
me too. thanks for reading.
You may be an idiot, but you articulate well. Thanks for the clarification; it is that which can be confusing.
i’m glad you are comfortable enough to call me an idiot. thanks.
A lot of people are writing loose when they really mean lose.
bastards. every one of them.
Ha!
grammar-ignoring, language-lazy bastards
I always remember affect vs effect because affect is an action, and they both begin with A. I can’t remember them without thinking that!
Your tip in number one was particularly helpful. Thanks for that. I enjoyed the lesson!
hey. i know you.
I was ashamed to read this post in its entirety. Im so naughty …. grammar naughty.
you need detention…
I do. Real bad.
We’ll talk. Or email. One of those.
Great lesson as always. Sometimes I think I use too many commas, too, many, commas. I may need detention.
looking forward to it.
and thanks for reading
I like your grammar posts, no really, I’m not just saying that to get out of detention
Gah! Too many commas! I’m working on it
i think mistakes with commas are the most common of any kind – either using it when we’re not supposed to or not using it when we should have.
thanks, Rich
nothing to thank me for. not yet.
That’s hilarious!
#1 – yep.
#2 – I wouldn’t have picked that. I’d have hyphenated both. Now I know. Except I don’t know why, like you, apparently.
#3 – yep, #3 – oops! I shouldn’t have said that!
#4 – Suspected as much. Thanks for the confirmation.
#5 – Funny you should mention this – I have a draft post about this very topic almost ready to go. Nice tits.
#6 – Yep
#7 – Yep but now I know the reason!
Great stuff!
i was going to use other, more revealing pics, but i wanted to keep it someone safe. barely.
[...] Language Pet Peeves – 3. OMG, this is SOO worth reposting! If you are a high school or college language teacher, REALLY take note, or if you’re just annoyed most of the time (like me) when you read something grammatically incorrect (virtually every day). [...]
There are few posts that make me, actually, glad that I have an MA in English. You still made my head hurt…
Scott
sorry about that. next part probably friday.
Lol – remember, I taught middle school – used to head hurting.
battle scars
Oh, yes.
If I had you for a teacher I might have attended class more frequently!
Wonderfully done!
A Lot is a plot of land, my only pet peeve.
yes, plot of land is one meaning of “lot.” thanks very much for reading.
It is just a pet peeve of mine. Language is a lovely art isn’t it.
Sure is.
OH. MY. This is THE best yet. I’m sharing, like herpes.
Can not v. cannot —> pretty please?
Did who do whom, yet?
Personal thanks for the special effects. That helps, a lot.
Your suggestions are on my list. Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for reading
I am so sad, but I love these posts.
Just to confuse things, what about ‘effect’ as a verb – to effect change/ bring about something.
And one for which I need a definitive answer – when to use ‘in spite of’ vs. ‘despite’. Or are they interchangeable?
despite and in spite of seem interchangeable to me.
about “effect” as a verb, yes, you’re right, but that form is not used very often so i didn’t include it that way. i was focusing more on the comparison between “effect” and “affect.”
If I point out another mistake, will you hate me? Find the missing “if” in your last paragraph.
Oh you shouldn’t give me hits! Makes it less challenging. But you still get spanked for correcting me.
Haha okay next time, no hints!!!
[...] to the overwhelming and self-imagined enjoyment of Language Pet Peeves Uno, Dos, and Tres, here comes quatro. Some of these are not grammar errors but more like sorry-ass word choices [...]
This is excellent information, Rich. And what an entertaining way to present it all!
thanks. that’s what i was going for. a “different” way to present some boring language lessons. i kind of got carried away with some of them, but it was fun.
Thank you. You cleared up a few things for me there in regards to commas^^
fabulous. very happy to help.
Honestly, I love these little writing lessons. SOMEBODY’S gotta do ‘em and I’m glad it’s you b/c it makes it all the more fun with your sense of humor. Thanks. I think I’ll be bookmarking it.
maybe i should bookmark them too, just to make sure i know what i wrote. thanks very much for coming back again and again. coffee’s in the kitchen.
Haha…isn’t that the worst? Writing something and then COMPLETELY forgetting you wrote it till some disgruntled rubs it in your face? Well f’ em!
I’ll be back for the virtual coffee ;0) Don’t run out…cream and sugar please…sugar in the raw. LOL ;0P
you said “f’ em.” i adore women who curse. just saying. now you can have all the coffee you want.
LOL. Well the. I think this is the start of a fine, fine relationship ;0) I love blogging :0P