1. “I Found Myself”
2. “I knew I was going to die…”
3. Misplaced Modifiers
4. Like and As
5. Who and Whom
6. Its and It’s
7. Passed and Past
Due to the overwhelming and self-imagined enjoyment of Language Pet Peeves Uno, Dos, and Tres, here comes quatro. Some of these are not grammar errors but more like sorry-ass word choices that have been fostered through the laziness of others before us. Or, your teachers probably sucked. There are also a few reader suggestions thrown in, specifically items 5, 6, and 7. Now relax, pay attention, and try not to f*ck it up. Also, it has been brought to my attention that I’m writing too many of these from a male perspective. That’s because I’m male. Ladies, I apologize, but it is not easy for me to think like a girl. But if you get half a dozen Jello shots in me, I’ve been known to stretch a few boundaries. Jus’ sayin’.
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1. I Found Myself
How many damn times have you read something like this?
Becca was enjoying her fifth shot of Jim Beam when she suddenly found herself on the floor.
I don’t specifically mean that you constantly read about Becca drinking. Not that you don’t, but that’s not my point. I’m greatly annoyed at writers who are not creative enough to find another way for a character to be in an unexpected situation. For example, instead of someone “finding herself…”
Becca was enjoying her fifth shot of Jim Beam when it seemed as if the clock had gone from 8 o’clock to 10 o’clock as fast as she could pluck a pube.
Frank was casually strolling the ballpark for a Cincinnati Reds cap when he unexpectedly wandered into the ladies’ room with a man wearing a wig and a plaid skirt.
You are a writer. So friggin’ write. Stop using the same expressions and phrases all the time. Create your own. That’s your job. If not, give the computer back to your (18 or over) skanky daughter so she can flood Facebook and Twitter with more of those half-naked self pics in the bathroom mirror.
someone’s skanky daughter
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2. “I knew I was going to die…”
Here’s another overused sentence, phrase, whatever the hell you want to call it.
When Weebles pulled a gun from her waistband, I knew I was going to die.
No you didn’t. You BELIEVED, you THOUGHT, you IMAGINED, you EXPECTED you were going to die. You could not KNOW you were going to die UNLESS you actually DID die, and now you would be writing from the grave. If your character did not actually die, then you didn’t KNOW it.
go ahead – pussy
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3. Misplaced Modifiers
Ready for more of what bothers me? No? Then shut up and write your own post.
After massaging a healthy handful of sesame oil all over her body, Tracy’s breasts glistened like two full moons at midnight.
Oh Christ is this mistake annoying. Let’s look again at what happened here. After massaging a healthy handful of baby oil all over her body… Who was massaging the baby oil? Were Tracy’s breasts massaging oil on themselves? No, jackass. TRACY was massaging the oil. Therefore, TRACY needs to be the very next noun after the descriptive phrase. So let’s fix the bitch! Not like that.
After massaging a healthy handful of baby oil all over her body, Tracy got back on the pole with breasts that glistened like two full moons at midnight.
Let’s look at more bad writing.
After stroking himself for ten minutes while Skyping with Heidi, she was disappointed at how small Rich was.
Cut the crap. After stroking himself… Who was stroking himself? Was Heidi stroking himself? No, douche. Rich was stroking himself. So the very next reference after that descriptive phrase needs to be the person who was stroking himself. That’d be me. This mistake is not uncommon for two reasons. First, because the last word of that phrase was Heidi, so the writer was focused on what was just written, Heidi. The second reason this often happens is because you all suck. So let’s fix the bastard. Too late – I’m already “fixed.”
After stroking himself for ten minutes while Skyping with Heidi, Rich was disappointed when Heidi laughed like a mental patient.
Oh well.
neither me nor heidi
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4. Who and Whom
To those who suggested, recommended, begged, asked, pleaded, whined, and warbled for me to cover this one – I hate you all. I hate this conflict, and I do everything possible to avoid it. When I begin to write a sentence like –
Heather screamed, “Who shoved a broom up my ass?”
and I’m not sure if it should be
Heather screamed, “Whom shoved a broom up my ass?”
I quickly revise it to avoid the choice. It might look something like:
“Did anyone see the person responsible for the broom up my ass?” inquired Heather.
But sometimes, there’s no getting around it. The key to who and whom is not simple because it depends on whether or not the sentence is a question or a statement. For example, if the sentence is a question, then get off your lazy ass and answer the damn question.
Who = He/She Whom = Him/Her (notice that M thing?)
If your answer to the following question uses either He or She, then the question would be written with Who.
Who farted? He/She farted.
If your answer to the question uses either Him or Her, then the question would be written with Whom.
That fart came from whom? That fart came from him/her.
Another, more specifical, technical, grammatical way of examining the choice would be defining the purpose of the word. For example, who is a subject pronoun. That means it’s the subject of the sentence, the main thing we are talking about. The subject is the noun doing the action of a sentence. But not every sentence is a question, and sometimes we have whoever and whomever.
I applaud whomever farted. That one had excellent staccato.
I applaud him/her. That one had excellent staccato.
Whoever farted, I salute you.
He/She farted, I salute you.
I know that isn’t a perfect example. Not all farts are perfect either, but you can improve them by ripping a few in the shower. Just turn your back to the water, let it run down your back, and rip, rip, rip. Try it the next time you’re taking a shower and your significant others are brushing their teeth. Happy Valentine’s Day!
No need to thank me.
Romney attempts to connect with America’s future voters.
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5. Like and As
What’s the difference between these two sentences?
Greg’s mom gives great head, just like you said.
Greg’s mom gives great head, just as you said.
If you think there’s no difference, then you have a lot to learn. First, you need to learn where Greg’s mom lives. Second, you need to learn when his dad is at work. Third, you need to learn the difference between like and as.
Let’s see if you can figure it out this time.
Susie’s penis is small like Mike’s penis.
Susie’s penis is as big as Mike’s penis.
Yeah, dumbshit, I know as appears twice, but ignore that. What’s the difference in meaning? In the first example, her penis is small, Mike’s is too, but they’re not exactly the same. That’s Like. In the second example, their penises – penii – their dicks are the exact same size. Let’s go back to the earlier example.
Greg’s mom gives great head, just like you said.
Like – similar but not his exact words. His exact words might have been:
“Hey, you know that tall guy in biology class? His mom happens to be excellent at fellatio. However, his sister needs practice.”
But if you are repeating someone’s exact words, you must use As.
Greg’s mom gives great head, just as you said.
Wanna know the exact words spoken?
“Greg’s mom gives great head, but his sister sucks. No pun intended.”
Greg’s mom and sister
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6. Its and It’s
This is one that screws people up on a daily basis. Why are there apostrophes in can’t, won’t, shouldn’t, hasn’t, didn’t, etc? To represent the missing letters in can not, will not, should not, has not, and did not.
Okay. Why are there apostrophes in
Eric’s hallucination, La La’s stalker, and Janet’s AR-15?
To show possession of which item belongs to which person.
What about It’s? Did the dog lick it’s balls or its balls?
Should Heidi say, It’s or its about time you got hard.
The apostrophe in It’s represent the missing letter from it is. It does not show possession. It will look stupid, but if a thing owns something, as in The dog was licking its balls, we do not use the apostrophe.
However, if we write Rich was licking Rich’s balls, then we need the apostrophe.
Be right back.
neither me nor heidi
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7. Passed and Past
See Passed? See the –ed ending? What else gets –ed endings? Goddamn right, past tense verbs. Passed is a past tense verb. WTF? Why am I using past to describe passed? Because English is fucked up.
Tomorrow I will pass Red’s masturbation record of three times in one day.
Today I passed Red’s masturbation record of three times in one day.
I’m passing Red’s masturbation record of three times in one day. Either close the door or pull up a chair.
By next week, I will have passed my own masturbation record. Is it getting dark early?
Now, about past. That refers to history – a time long ago, or short ago if it wasn’t that long ago. I mean like yesterday, day before, around then.
Michelle once was a boy, but that was in the past. His operation was successful.
Michelle was Michael last year, but we shouldn’t bring up the past.
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Feel free to leave your suggestions for part 5. This part included some of your suggestions, and I had half a brain I would have indicated who suggested what. I ain’t so smart.
That was a fun read. Thanks.
thanks for reading.
With a small cautionary note to what has “passed” for a grammar lesson or two (language and situations – wow, you got both in there!), I will “pass” this on to my page of special posts, if that’s okay.
Scott
please do – and i hope you don’t lose friends over it.
If I do what type (kind?) -hm- friends are they?
If you haven’t tackled “type / kind” there’s my suggestion – if you have, my memory since the stroke is poor.
I did get a lot out of this one – perhaps, I can, finally, lay “who / whom” to rest.
and that gives me a good idea for next time. lay, lie, laid, lain. all that crap. thanks.
Glad to help.
You make grammar lessons so much more fun than I remember them being in school! My stalker will be proud to be a part of it.
that’s if he sees it before – well, before something “happens” to him.
And we both know it will…I can’t wait.
i’ll give you a countdown when i get the signal.
Nailed it. “Not like that”.
you said “it” so i wasn’t worried.
Dear Rich,
I’m taking notes as fast as I can. And not about the English lessons. (Gave that up in the seventh grade.)
Let’s see, Tracy, Becca, Greg’s mom and sister….
I haven’t laughed this hard since your last post. Thanks. For everything.
Aloha,
Doug
i have to admit i was having a good time writing it last night, but i kept waking the dog while laughing.
and thanks for reading.
Whom….who the fuck says that? Whom is one of those words that should be buried and forgotten. Whom is a word used by blowholes.
Tom
no disagreement there.
love the instruction it helps me remember days of old (back whin dinosaurs roamed the earth). btw are all of your posts like this… with such sexual overtones? if so maybe you need to get ‘busy’ with Heidi or someone LOL. Yes, I know I am a prude
no, not all, just these grammar ones. they got issues. and attitude. it’s the fed up teacher attitude character guy person.
ahhh now we know who to blame LOL
I love your inventive examples. A much easier way to keep track of the wrong or right way to use words.
thanks very much for reading. glad to see you.
I found myself after dropping some LCD….does that work?
that’s different. could happen.
And can I get the number of the skanky sister?
soon as i get it.
I love this! You have a way of teaching and making it fun. I may have learned some things-well maybe
Though I wonder how many people will click on my name to check out my hotness like you do. All jokes aside, I think I will have to reblog this.
please do. miss hotness.
I so will. And I love your first picture. Spankings for every ‘alright’ I find in your manuscript.
You are the one who uses alright, not me.
Reblogged this on Inside the mind of a fantasy writer and commented:
Very informative! Read it!
There’s a very small writing/grammar faux pas that always sends me straight to rage mode: when people use a.m./p.m. and the time of day in the same phrase, like “8 a.m. in the morning.” I know it’s only two letters of redundancy, but I find it unbearable.
i can’t say i’ve ever seen that – but i’m sure i’ll start seeing it now. that would piss me off greatly. thanks.
Yeah, sorry. You will never be able to unsee it.
sonofa-
A grammar lesson like this would have been so much more fun and…useful back at school. But then…it still is!
thanks miss. i’m glad i could bring you some fun.
Nice reading about you.
Thanks. I invite you to visit my blog Ajaytao2010@wordpress.com. Browse through the category sections, I feel you may definitely find something of your interest.
thanks very much. i will do that.
I just read all four posts. Definitely not your Grandma’s grammar! But I bet there would be a lot more English majors if English was taught your way.
Thanks very much. Text books are not written for everybody. So I’m writing for everyone else. Thanks for reading.
I think if you wrote the textbooks, students wouldn’t be so eager to sell them back at the end of term!
I think you might be right!
Your work is a gift to all humanity, Rich. We thank you.
That is too big of a compliment to live up to, but I will have to do my best.
Of that, I have no doubt.
you are kinder than i deserve. god speed. whatever the hell that means.
On an unrelated note, you should check out the Becca-centric post on my blog. I think you’d like it tremendously…
on my way
Oh, geez! *struggles to stop laughing*
These posts are like reading Playboy. The examples are brilliant but we all know I’m here to make my knowledge of English gooder.
Speaking of gooder – er – best, better, whatever, how about the often confused better vs best. Ie. The better of two, the best of 3 or more, etc.
Looking forward to more. Must go and read 1 & 2, I think I might have missed them…
yeah, i was worried i might have “done too far” with these examples, and at least one person said she “didn’t care for it.” and i can’t argue with her. this is all about experimenting with a different “voice” to write with. thanks for reading and enjoying.
Such a wow grammar lesson on my first day back on WP …. and to make it into the example as well. Meanwhile, you other examples are off the charts!
welcome back. and yeah, those other examples might have gone a little “too far” for some people. oops. just experimenting with a different writing “voice.”
how was your time off? was it a physical vacation or just a cerebral one?
The examples were great, so I laughed a lot … and I can imagine someone didn’t like them. Oh well .. as for my time away, my current post explains.
i will get there a.s.a.p.
Great piece.
thanks very much for reading. nice to meet you.
Love the Weebs example! Best.Gravatar.Ever.
These are the examples teachers should use in today’s English classes. Students would GET IT!
I bet you’re right. Thanks for reading.
You really need to put together your own Elements Of Style.
In the works as an eBook. Thanks for reading. And “contributing. “
Thanks for including me. Ha.
i knew you could easily go along with the joke, and i needed someone to take one for the team.
Include away. My ego isn’t that fragile, I swear.
This is an absolutely smash of a post-at once readable and tongue in cheek.You really have linked disparate issues into a single fabric and that is a great writing skill.
Shakti
That’s a great compliment to see first thing on a Sunday morning. Thanks for reading.
Haha! That’s really tickled me there Rich. Great post man. I must remember to try that shower farting trick.
thanks for reading, and it’ll have you laughing like a fool.
Definitely the funniest grammar lesson I’ve read.
thanks for reading.
Another point on passed & past… I passed my exams – er, well, just about. But they’re in the past now.
I do like your humour. Who am I to complain about your writing in a male way? I mean, you’re a bloke. You mostly think with your testicles, right?
well, pretty much, yeah, i do. and you’re right, there are other uses of passed and past that i forgot about. thanks.
You’re welcome. I’ll let you get back to licking your balls now.
that’s funny.
I am coming to this so late, I don’t expect a reply, but what about past as a preposition. At least isn’t that what it is when ‘he walks past’? He doesn’t walk passed, or does he? More confused than even now.
yeah, i realized that about a week after, but i didn’t feel like going back to fix it. but you’re right.
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