brainsnorts inc >.<

1. Good vs. Well

2. Because vs. Since

3. Among vs. Between

4. Capping the President

5. You’re Sic

6. SOS’S’

7. Getting Lain 

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1.  Good vs. Well

She feels good.  She feels well.

Which is right?  Both.

She writes good.  She writes well.

Which is right?  Not both.  Ha ha.

Good is an adjective, and its job is to describe what something is like.  Looks, sounds, smells, tastes, etc.

It was a good game.  Her tits are good but not great.

Well is an adverb, and its job is to describe actions – how you do things.

Wendy pokes well.  Tracy doesn’t golf well.  Heather bitches well.

Okay, but having said that, what about the first part?

She feels good.  She feels well.

How can they both be right?

She feels good.

Good is an adjective describing her health.  Health is a noun.  Her health is good.

She feels well.

Well is an adverb describing her act of physically feeling things.  Her act of feeling things is a verb.  Her act of feeling is well.  She is successful at performing the action feeling things. Don’t worry. I made her prove it. Several times.

La La feels well, but I’m sure “good” and “great” apply too.

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2. Because vs. Since

Because you were born, my life has been hell.

Since you were born, my life has been hell.

These are not the same sentence, not the same meaning.

Because you were born, my life has been hell.

Because means that a second event happened directly as a result of the first event.  In the first example, my life has been hell because you were born.  You are the child from hell and have brought hell with you.  You pour boiling water on me as I sleep, and you toss broken glass into the bathtub just before I sink into it.

Since you were born, my life has been hell.

You had nothing to do with my hell.  You just happened to be born at the same time that my hell started.  My hell isn’t your fault, just a coincidence.  When you were born, your mom started acting like a lunatic.  She hit me with boiling water.  She put the glass under my ass.  But I’m obviously over it.

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 3. Between vs. Among

I have to admit that I screw this one up all the time – but only when speaking, not with writing.

Divide the prize money ____________ the team. 

Between or Among?  Depends on the team.

Between means there are two things and something is in the middle of those two things.  Yeah, we know where this is going.

Among is used when the group or items are three or more.

Tom divided $200 among all six of the strippers.

Four Eyes couldn’t decide among all the penises.

Between is used when there are only two people in the group or two items.

Tom divided $200 between his two favorite strippers.

Four Eyes couldn’t decide between the two penises, so she took both.

Soon she’ll be cross-eyed instead of four eyed.

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 4. Capping the President

Should “president” be capitalized in either of these sentences?  They’re all pretty much the same except for the organization of which someone is president.

The president of the sex club says no more unprotected anal.

The president of the board of education says no more unprotected anal.

Nope.  Neither of those versions of “president” should be capitalized because they just are not special enough.  Normally, you only capitalize something of which there is only one in the world.  There are many presidents of boards of education as well as sex clubs.  In order for one to be capitalized, it must be narrowed to only one in the world.  Like this.

The President of the South Street Sex Club says no more unprotected anal.

The President of the Runnemede Board of Education says no more unprotected anal.

Once you specify a specifically specified organization that only specifically has one specific president, then you capitalize that title.  Sure, there might be more than one South Street Sex Club, but we don’t know that for sure.  Similar rules apply here:

The doctor removed a banana from his rectum.

Doctor Feelgood removed a banana from his rectum.

There are many doctors, but there is only one Doctor Feelgood.  And even if there are many doctors with the last name Feelgood, we still must capitalize it anyway because there is only one Doctor Feelgood whom we are talking about in that individual sentence.

There is an exception to this, and that is the President of the United States.  Any time you refer to the POTUS, you capitalize the title even without a name or any specifics.

The President lost his head yesterday.

The President of the United States lost his head yesterday.

President Kennedy lost his head yesterday.

All mentions of the POTUS get capitalized regardless of how much or little specifics, and you would be surprised how many journalists and news editors get that wrong.

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 5. You’re Sic

Have you occasionally seen (SIC) in the middle of a paragraph or something?  Ever wonder what it means?  Something like this:

“We wins (SIC) the game cause (SIC) because we gooder” (SIC).

I liked to refer to it as Said In Context, although that’s not correct.  It literally translates to sic erat scriptum, which is Latin for “thus was it written.”  It means that the writer was quoting someone who spoke or wrote something incorrectly, but the writer wants to let the reader know that it was the person being quoted who was wrong and not that writer.  If the writer cleaned up the other speaker or writer, it might go like this:

Charles “Babyface” Jones believes that his team won the competition because they possess superior talent and skill.

The two reasons to use (SIC) are to either have a dramatic and specific quote from an athlete at a live sports event or to make the athlete look like a giant dumbshit.

Sum athleets downt reed welle.

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6. Kick your SSS’S

I know you know how to add an apostrophe to make a possessive nouns.

Jim’s hands really hurt, and so does Dave’s heel.

But some nouns are tricky to play with.  For example, what if the boy’s name already ends with an S?  You still just slap an apostrophe-S, just like you did with Jim.

Ross’s hands really hurt.  So does Iris’s heel.

That’s messed up.  Three S’s in a row like that.  Although that seems simple and correct, there are exceptions.  For example, what if the pronunciation of the possessive word sounds a little goofy once you add another S?  If that happens, you’re allowed to just add the apostrophe and leave off the extra S.

Jesus’ hands really hurt.  So does Achilles’ heel.

Yup.  I pussied out of using a Jesus pic.

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 7. Getting Lain

Which if any of these present tense uses is correct?

You look tired from the game.  Lay down .

I’m tired from the game.  I should lay down.

Lie that case of beer on the back seat.

The cheerleader likes to lay in the back seat.

Actually, none of these is correct, but two have potential.

(Wink wink…)

Lie is an intransitive verb, which means the action is not transferred to another object.  You never lie an object down other than yourself.

Lie down and have a beer.

Lay is a transitive verb, which means the action is transferred to another object.

Lay that cheerleader on the backseat and take her home.

(Nudge nudge…)

All that was present tense.  Past tense fucks it all up.

Lie is intransitive present tense.  Lay is transitive present tense.

I will lie down.                           Lay the beer over here.

Lay is the not just present tense transitive, but it is also past tense of the lie.

Lay the cheerleader on the backseat. (present, transitive with object)

Yesterday I lay down.  (past, intransitive without object)

Double duty there for lay – as well it should.

(Know what I mean…)

That’s present and past, now comes the past participle.

Lie – intransitive, no object:  past participle – lain

She has lain there all night.  I hope she’s okay because I’m next.

Lay – transitive, object:  past participle – laid

We have picked her up and laid her down all night, and she is still smiling.

I realize I may have just confused your further.  Sorry, but at least I got something out of it.

(Say no more…)

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Yeah, I might have messed a few up, but I don’t really care all that much.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2013 at 2:34 PM and is filed under writing. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.