1. Transitive vs. Intransitive Verbs
2. You and Me and I
3. He and She and They
4. Unconscious vs. Subconscious
5. Obviously, you suck
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1. Transitive vs. Intransitive Verbs
Many writers like to give advice. By giving advice, it makes us feel like other people we believe we are writers because we know things that those other people didn’t know about writing. So we assume that they assume that we have done more writing because we know more about writing. Not so.
One of the prime pieces of advice that writers give to appear more “writerly” is to never use intransitive verbs, only use transitive. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what the hell that means. Transitive verbs “transfer” action from the subject to the object. Intransitive verbs (notice the “In,” like “In”decent – not decent) do NOT transfer action. Intransitive sentences are those in which the subject didn’t do anything but instead had something done TO it. Let me show you.
Becca kicked my balls. Transitive sentence.
Becca, the subject, committed the action upon the object, my balls.
Easy, right?
My balls were kicked by Becca. Intransitive sentence.
My balls, the subject, did nothing other than receive the action of the kicking. Instead of the subject doing any action, it was the object doing the action. The subject did nothing but instead had something done upon it. With vengeance.
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2. You and Me and I
I love stupid people. Stupid people think they know things and then, when attempting to prove what they think they know, they fuck it up. Then I smile. You do too, provided you’re not one of those stupid ones. Stupid people eventually believe that they must stop saying “You and me” and should always say “You and I.” They don’t realize that sometimes you still have to say “You and me.” Do you know how to figure it out? If so, you’re not stupid. You can go. The rest of you, sit down.
Normally, “You and I” will appear at the beginning of a sentence because, normally, “You and I” will be the subject. Although “you” is fairly universal, “I” is a subject pronoun. It’s like this.
Rich needs to buy condoms.
Rich is the subject. But I wouldn’t actually refer to myself as Rich, not unless there’s something wrong with me. Instead, I would likely say:
I need to buy condoms.
If a pronoun is needed to replace the subject, you use a subject pronoun. In this case, it’s “I.” Now, let’s look at the object pronoun. You might remember from the transitive/intransitive crap that usually the object is towards the end of the sentence. Like “balls” when “Becca kicked my balls.” Let’s make Rich the object this time instead of the subject.
Someone buy Rich some condoms.
Now, Rich is the object. Now, let’s find a pronoun for the object.
Someone buy (I/me) some condoms.
Which sounds right? Which is right? Me. But none of this addresses whether to say “You and me” or “You and I.” Calm down. I’m getting to that.
You and (I/me) need to buy condoms.
Not sure if it’s subject or object? Take the sound test. Remove “You.” What sounds right?
I need to buy condoms – or – Me need to buy condoms?
I, of course. Now let’s do the same thing but switch the location of You and I and me.
Please buy you and (I/me) some condoms.
Same as before, let’s remove “You.”
Please buy I some condoms – or – Please buy me some condoms?
Me, of course, because that location is for the object pronoun, and the object pronoun is “me” and not “I.” So, when you’re not sure whether to you “You and me” or “You and I,” just cut out the “You” and decide which sounds better between “me” and “I.”
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3. He or She or They
I’m all about being politically correct. Can’t tell you just how happy I was when we started using “police officer” instead of “policeman,” or “mail carrier” instead of “mail man,” or “fire fighter” instead of “fireman.” Ooooh, how that gives me douche chills. Want more douche chills? Then read these examples:
If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he should return it.
If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, she should return it.
If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, they should return it.
So which is right? All? NFW. Lots of people tend to use “they” because they’re afraid of being sexist. How? Well, is it sexist to assume that “anyone” is going to be male? What if the “anyone” is female? What if Britney is lesbian? What if a female took Britney’s virginity? It could happen. Charge the camera batteries, just in case. Anyway, using “they” is both wrong and stupid. It’s wrong because “anyone” is “one” person. You can’t use “they” to represent “one” person, dipshit. I should know because I used it for a long time until the grammar police shoved a nightstick up my ass.
With “they” tossed out, what’s left? What about that “he/she” thing? Like this:
If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he/she should return it.
That looks pretty stupid and sort of like a reference to a hermaphrodite.
If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he or she should return it.
Correct but it still looks dumb. Here’s another correct but dumb-looking way to write it:
Should one find Britney’s virginity, one should return it.
Here’s what I do. I rewrite the sentence so that I don’t have to use either one. Shhh. Watch this:
Should one find Britney’s virginity, please return it.
See? I wrote it in such a way to remove that choice. Now, it’s completely politically correct without sounding stupid. Mostly.
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4. Unconscious vs. Subconscious
Holy fuck and a half, I can’t tell you how many writers – published writers – in things like Time magazine, CNN, doctors removing toy cars from my rectum, so many people using these two words incorrectly.
What is conscious? It means “awake and aware of one’s environment.” Like being up and about, making coffee, watering flowers, jerking off to a good porn site. The usual stuff.
What is unconscious? “not awake or aware of one’s environment.” Like being asleep, perhaps from jerking off too much. Like being cracked in the head with a bat, lying on the floor, dreaming of jerking off too much.
What is subconscious? “beneath, hidden, or unseen by your regular awake self.” Like when your wife usually throws something at you just after she screams your name. Then, in a reaction that is built into your brain through learning, you immediately duck every time you hear her scream your name. That’s your subconscious mind at work.
Although writers get this incorrect more than 50% of the time, I have to wonder about the editors who supposedly are reviewing what I’m reading. Too many times I read something like this:
My wife sent me for milk, but I unconsciously drove to the strip bar.
Really? So you were driving while you were asleep? No, dumbshit. It goes like this:
My wife sent me for milk, but I SUBconsciously drove to the strip bar.
You weren’t asleep. You just acted or reacted without applying much thought due to either what you have learned or what you have grown accustomed to doing regularly, like going to a strip bar.
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5. Obviously, you suck
Obvious and obviously are two of the most over used and incorrectly used words in the English language. Not only are they overused, but they’re downright insulting. To even use obviously is almost wrong because it appears to state something that doesn’t need to be stated. I’ll use an example to illustrate my point.
Obvious – easily seen, recognized, understood, or evident
Rich is obviously one messed up guy.
If it is obvious, then why mention it? To make yourself feel better? To appear more knowledgeable? It is little more than a polite way of saying this:
Everyone except you knows that Rich is one messed up guy.
What could be the reason for that? Also, what is the result if the person to whom you’re speaking is not aware of it? It seems as if you’re bragging that you know something that the other person doesn’t know. I would bet that 99% of the time that you might use the word obviously, I can rewrite it without that word, retain the meaning, and help you sound less insulting. But why would I rewrite it? Do it yourself, you lazy shit.
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I edit our church Power Point/lyrics/website, etc, and I am not allowed to write he/she because it seems “too formal,” and we are a casual place. I cringe each time I read, “If anyone wants to volunteer, they can sign up at the table.”
three things: 1. thanks very much for reading. 2. you can always write “those who want to volunteer can sign up…” 3. the word “church” rarely appears on my blog, so thanks for bringing it on! wheee!
I love me some helpful grammar rules!
and i love bringin’ ‘em too ya. thanks for reading.
Very good. Now you can go buy yourself some condoms, obviously! Kidding, of course, RIch. Entertaining lesson. It’s not often I experience a grammar lesson with references to porn, strip bars, condoms, did I miss anything?
i was so close to using you in one of the examples, but i wasn’t sure when you might get back to me, and i didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to post it.
You’re better then the learning channel. At least I get a laugh. So who does buy the condoms? ha! I always look forward to your class. Sometimes I actually learn something.
i learn things too. btw – do i have your permission to use you in an example the next time?
sure, now that should be funny. I’m the first one to laugh at myself.
great. i’ll send it to you first just to be sure. thanks.
does that mean I can’t trust you? ok, sure send it on. and thank YOU for wanting to include me.
we’ll see how much you thank me when it’s time.
oh oh, are you going to be mean? ah well, bring it on!
never mean, but always compromising positions.
You ARE the grammar king. I think I use ‘they’ and ‘obviously’, I will watch out for that from now on.
king? oooh, i like the sound of that. up to now, i was usually the jester. thanks. “obviously” sometimes obviously is okay, but we should use it more sparingly. thanks for reading.
I was thinking about it afterwards and I think I tend to use ‘obviously’ in situations where I’m not completely sure if it’s obvious to everybody, so I want to include the information, but I don’t want anybody thinking “Well doh! Obviously!” hehe.
see how that might sound insulting? what about something like “you probably noticed” instead?
Yeah, I’m definitely going to think of different ways of saying it when I find myself typing ‘obviously’ from now now!
that’s my girl.
Some good audio visuals there definitely liven up the lesson. Obviously can be joined in the trite bag by actually, utterly, really, apparently. The condom jokes, apparently, were not objective, obviously.
oooh, good idea for the next time. subjective and objective. i always screw them up. thanks! and thanks for reading.
Well, that was my objective. er.. the subject. Well, which is it? We’ll have to wait for your post.
oooh, “audio.” maybe some youtube clips next time. hmmmm.
Yet another great lesson. I am always learning something here. Good stuff! And funny.
always glad to help. thanks for reading.
Glad to see you’re continuing this. You never know, the literacy of the world may improve.
just might. doubt it, but it might. thanks for peeking.
Based on all the condom buying, it sounds like Rich is getting lucky soon!
i’m not lucky enough to get lucky. but hey, it could happen. thanks for reading.
Lol – I knew all those this time, however, what I had to look up was NFW!
yeah, i’m trying not to curse too much in my posts. but i write these with a slightly different “voice,” so i give myself a pass.
Oh, it’s funnier than he…hmm, it’s funny.
well done.
I just went back and corrected 100 of my old posts.
aww. sorry. i think.
you could hire me to clean up your posts. and i make a good “pool boy” too.
As long as you wear blue.
Nice color on you, btw.
i’ll wear whatever you prefer. in fact, i won’t wear anything until you decide, this way i can’t wear the wrong color.
hahahaha! Oh, wait … I don’t have a pool.
bathtub works.
I am sorry about your balls, but it was definitely a conscious decision. Sometimes these things happen to you and me. Have I made it obvious that I enjoyed this post?
*waits to see if I made an A*
A+++
I have always grappled with what to use between he/she/they to make it gender neutral. You suggestion to get rid of the pronoun makes a lot of sense. However, I have seen ‘they’ being used even in instructive books on writing. Do not quote me on this, but I think William Zinsser sanctioned ‘they’ in his book On Writing Well
if that is the case, and we’re not sure, then i would suggest to zinsser that he rethink his recommendation.
Hi Rich,
Nice to know someone else still care about our abused language and knows the rules. One thing I’ve noticed is that the verb graduate has been transitized. Back in day everybody said, “I graduated from high school.” Now it’s, “I graduated high school.” And pronoun case, it’s all “Me and Julio down by the schoolyard.” Unfortunately, they never made it into the school, or into a class where grammar (excuse me for using a dirty word) was being taught. Thanks for being a language cop, even if the inmates are everywhere commiting verbal assault! Ron
thanks. and like you, i’m having a hard time dealing with the evolution of language, regardless of how inevitable it might be. i plain hate it. nixon said, “when you set lower standards, expect lower results.” he was right.
You’re grammur rules am the best, Rich!
panks bery buch.
This was a really post. I might be a language nerd…
…who can’t type worth a damn…
that’s funny.
Of course, were Becca to place a really good swift kick to Rich’s balls he would have no need for a condom.
Just sayin
Loved these rules. Thank you.
good point, and thanks, and thanks for reading.
You know Rich I could not let that one slip by me? Simply couldn’t let it go. Sorry, my bad (was that bad English?)
not bad english, just an unnecessary question mark. but no harm.
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