#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 12/06

Every Wednesday Romero Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt challenging writers to create a 100-word story, poem, or whatever works for you.  After posting your work on your blog,  go back to her site and add your link on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

While I’m not usually a fan of post-apocalyptic stories, that’s the direction I went.  Comments at the end.
____________________________

trespass_randy_mazie-1

The Hungry

Four hungry, silent, blue eyes scanned from shadows.

“Him?”

“No,” Father whispered.  “Think.  Remember.”

“Her?”

“Good girl.”  He took aim.

“I forget why.”

“Skin.  Gray ones bad, all others good.”

Small hands mimicked a rifle.

“Hafta get them before they get us.  Quiet now.  They’re dangerous.”

“They’ll hurt us?” she squeaked.

“Yes.”  He aimed, fired.  A lighter skin fell.  “Stay here.”

Tiny hands held mother’s torn picture, then hid it as Father returned, weakly, slowly.

“Here, Sweetie.” Handing her a leg.  “Please eat.  We need strength.”

Tears.  “It’s still bleeding.”

“I’m sorry.”

Four hungry, silent, gray skins crept from shadows.

_____________________________

100 words
_________

I’m not a fan of zombies, but hopefully you understood that “gray skins” were zombies.  Originally, the father and child were hunting big cats, as if animals had taken over and people were in hiding, but I realized it was not easy to establish that.  However, I think it’s easier to pick up on zombies.  As for what the father shot, and what they were about to eat, well, that’s part of the apocalypse.

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61 Responses to #fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 12/06

  1. Marie says:

    The common points found in both the opening and closing line was interesting.

    Was this under 100 words or spot-on 100? And I assume if the ski is pink then the chosen one was not quite a zombie yet? Interesting take…

    Happy you’re back at it, the fiction wet thing!

    • brainsnorts says:

      I am very strict about 100 words, And this is about the only time I can ever apply the word strict to anything. I messed with the first and last line for a while before finally Happy with it. One of the last things to finish. Believe it or not, and you probably do, I worked on this about 4 hours yesterday and another hour this morning. There was a time when I would post most of the edits But this one would have been rather lengthy if I had included them all.

      Thanks for reading and teaching me about the pink sky. I am NOT good with zombies, so I do have a lot to learn. And there goes my phone, capitalizing the word not again by itself.

      • Marie says:

        I taught you something about skin color and zombies? Ha! I was only asking, all I know about them is from World War Z and The Walking Dead. I’m not a huge fan of the whole zombie thing… But am loving the new takes on TWD show. I also love the notion of the whole “what if” and what would become of me as a person under such circumstances.

      • brainsnorts says:

        I am NOT a fan of The Walking Dead, But I am a fan of watching things with my kids, and she loves that show. She loves all the death shows, Every paranormal whatever and haunting whatever and Horror Story whatever. I don’t watch them, but I like how she cuddles up very closely to me while watching them.

  2. CB says:

    Yeah, I am not one for the post-apocalyptic genre, too depressing to me, but I like your short. Nicely crafted.

  3. claireful says:

    Very grim. Very nicely written. I didn’t think zombies when I first read it (I don’t really do zombies either), but thought instead of that cellar scene from The Road…

    • brainsnorts says:

      At one point I had some dialogue that I felt was too similar to “the road’” and that caused me to make some changes. I greatly enjoyed both the book and movies. Thanks for reading.

  4. JackieP says:

    Glad you’re back on the bike Rich. I’m not much into zombies so took me a minute to figure it out. Wasn’t the writing so much as the reader. I have a feeling though that father and daughter will soon be zombie food. Nicely done.

  5. plaridel says:

    great piece. well-thought out. no wasted words.

  6. Strange that while writing something so inhuman, you maintained the humanity of your characters. This was very well done, darling.

    • brainsnorts says:

      d-d-darling? i like the sound of that. and thanks for the very kind words. inhuman and human at the same time, thanks a nice way to look at it. thanks for a unique perspective.

  7. […] some wonderfully human and believable characters in a terrible inhumane situation with his tale The Hungry. Excellent piece of […]

  8. Time to do a runner. Scary tale.

  9. It’s amazing that you managed to cram so much into such a short space. I’m not one for post apocalyptic Sci-if either but maybe I would be if it was all up to this standard (or maybe this length).

    • brainsnorts says:

      Thank you very much for such kind and positive words. It means a lot. If there is so much packed into 100 words, it is the result of spending several hours riding in revising and editing. Maybe 3 hours yesterday and an hour this morning. I don’t like to quickly type and post it in order to be up there as early as possible. I prefer quality over speed, and it seems that you do too. Thanks again very much.

      • No problem. With that Avi, I’d’ve been disappointed not to enjoy it. I tried very hard to convince my wife to call our youngest Rosalita, to no avail. Don’t worry, though I really enjoyed your story on its own merits.

      • brainsnorts says:

        my youngest is rose – and for that same reason. seems e street is a very long street that branches far and wide.

  10. rgayer55 says:

    Well, you delivered a body this week. One with a tasty drumstick. Very crisp dialogue. The extra time you put in shows. This is a high quality product.

    • brainsnorts says:

      thanks very much, sir. sorry to use a cliché, but desperate times call for desperate dietary measures. eat or be eaten. dog eat dog. okay, that’s enough. thanks for reading, and happy friday.

  11. Dear Rupert,

    I shudder to think what, or, dare I say, who is for dinner. Shades of Dahmer zombies is my take. Am I warm? Nice one. Glad to see you back among us. As one who edits and rewrites, I appreciate another writer who takes the same care. ;)

    Shalom,

    Romero.

  12. atrm61 says:

    Poor little girl-losing her mom and having to fend off Zombies-or learn to -from her Dad-tough life and worse is that it seems their battle for survival is going to come t naught-sigh!Great take on this:-)

  13. […] #fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 12/06 […]

  14. Blue eyes, gray skin. What an appealing combination! I’m not sure who these people are, but I don’t think I want to date one. Intriguing, well done, as usual.

  15. To me the story was less about zombies, and more about a little girl loosing her mother. Glad to see you here again.. It has been a while.

  16. unspywriter says:

    Kittens and zombies. You may have a whole new meme there. ;)

    Here’s mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/bffs-not/

  17. Rich, you don’t like the zombies? I’m shocked, sir. I loved the eating of the still bleeding leg. Creepy! These zombies sound mysterious creeping from the corners. Well done.

    • brainsnorts says:

      i was a zombie fan back in the 70′s when i first saw “night of the living dead.” but i’m not a fan of how zombies seem to be used to display violence. it seems zombies are used today as an excuse for illustrating killing. we want to see shooting, stabbing, slicing, dismembering, but we have to be careful who is being shot and stabbed and so on. the zombies are just not standing up for themselves enough, no zombie protests. that would make a great “onion” headline.

  18. J. Milburn says:

    I read your previous post about the bad experience and I’m glad you decided to come back. The story made me shudder as I imagined the small girl being forced into horrible actions just to survive. Great work!

    • brainsnorts says:

      thanks very much for reading both the bad experience and the new. i’m glad you shuddered. most of my flash fiction is about people in bad situations that only get worse. not sure why, but that’s what usually comes to me. thanks again for reading.

  19. I thought this was an wonderful combination of creepy and sad. I love a disturbing post-apocalyptic tale. There might be something wrong with me though…I’m still undecided.

    • brainsnorts says:

      although i’m not big with post-apoc, i am a fan of creepy and sad. it’s not that there’s something wrong with you. it’s that there’s something wrong with part of our world, and reading about it is a good distraction from hearing it on the news. thanks for reading.

  20. annisik51 says:

    I like the almost-repetition at beginning and end. I like ‘silent eyes’ and ‘silent skins’. Gruesome story. Could happen. As a vegetarian, I hope it doesn’t. :)

  21. Anja says:

    I understood they were zombies from the beginning but was drawn more to the story of the little girl. Maybe it is the mom in me. :) Wonderfully written in such a concise way. I am happy I found your piece.

  22. I say I love Sci-fi and you did it creditable justice!!! And I adore post-apocalyptic stories.
    Scott
    Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/ff-friday-fictioneers-keeping-watch-rated-pg13-1262013/

  23. Sandra says:

    Sensitively done for a zombie tale. I hate it when my breakfast is still bleeding…

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