Why I Don’t Like Christmas

December 23, 2012

 reblogged from ’09 – because you’ve never seen it

Click “Like” if you want, but I prefer you don’t leave a comment.

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meh.ro10394

There’s only one day of the whole year that I truly hate, and it’s not one that I should hate.  It’s Christmas.  For about a dozen years I’ve spent Christmas Eve doing pretty much the same thing.  I wrap gifts for my kids and put them under the tree, stare at them a little while, and then go to bed hoping not to wake up until the 26th.  No matter how many gifts I might be able to give them, it never feels like enough, but that’s not the hard part.  The really hard, hateful part is that I then go to bed knowing that I won’t see them at all on Christmas Day.

Regardless, when I go to bed on Christmas Eve, I try as hard as I can to not cry, but I always lose.  And it’s not just crying.  It’s choking, sobbing, heaving, shoulder-shaking cries.  There have been some Christmas Eve’s that I’ve had someone next to me in bed.  They tried to console me and ask what was wrong, but it wasn’t easy to explain.

Christmas Day isn’t much better.  I spend it trying to focus on who is there instead of who isn’t.  I don’t like to open gifts because the gifts to my kids will just sit there until the 26th.  I don’t like a big deal to be made about Christmas.  I know that’s selfish, but we’re all allowed to be selfish sometimes.  I know that my attitude on Christmas doesn’t allow those around me to enjoy the day as fully as they might, but that’s because I don’t enjoy the day as fully as I might either.

I’m going to guess that IF my kids had been reading, they’ve gotten bored or annoyed and have moved on, so I can tell the rest now.  I don’t see my kids on Christmas because of two people:  their mother and the rotten divorce attorney that I had.  In the divorce agreement that was written more than ten years ago, my ex wanted the kids all day on Christmas while I wanted to either share the day or alternate each year.  My attorney wasn’t really a divorce attorney but was doing it to pay the bills until she became a prosecutor, which she did shortly after mishandling my case.  She convinced me to let the ex have Christmas because a few years down the road ex-wives are usually more friendly and willing to split or alternate Christmas Day.

Turns out the attorney was wrong, and the ex has become more stubborn about the holiday.  One of my kids recently asked her mother about spending half of the day with me.  The ex went on a hell of a tirade and used the word “I” roughly 25 times in explaining how hurtful it was for my kid to suggest that she would like to spend any part of Christmas Day with me.  Now the ex has a child with the new husband and is using that child to convince my kids even more strongly how wrong it would be if they were to spend Christmas with me because it would mean that their little sister would miss them soooo much.

I could explain more, but the point has been made.

I don’t like Christmas.


#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 12/21

December 20, 2012

Every Wednesday Ralphie Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt to challenge writers to create a 100-word story or poem or anything that works for you.  After you post your work on your blog,  go back to her site and post a link to your blog entry on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

I could not add revisions this week because I had too many things to do today and didn’t have the time to color-code and underline and such.  I wasn’t even sure if i would even write this until late tonight or tomorrow morning.  For those who liked the revisions, sorry.  For those who did not like it, Happy Holidays.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

copyright-scott-l-vannatter

Midnight

Neither moved.

One knew the other.

One – a mysterious, great beast.

Both calculated in milliseconds.

“If I move…”

“What if he tries…?”

Cat – fangs, silent speed.

Beast – far slower, but massive, stronger.

Both – fur, claws.

Both – eyes they’d remember, next time.

Both – determined to reach morning.

Only one absolutely had to get past the other.

Beast slowly extended his arm.

Cat hissed, tail tucked, ears pinned, feet planted, ready.

Cat squinted, focused.

The great beast’s gentle paw, Claus revealed, stroked cat’s head, spine.  Flashing an Elfin smile, the great beast moved past and began his jolly work.

________________________

100 words


#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 12/14

December 13, 2012

Every Wednesday Rocky Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt to challenge writers to create a 100-word story or poem or anything that works for you.  After you post your work on your blog,  you go back to her site and post a link to your blog entry on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

PLEASE get a good look at the things in the picture before you read the story, or a couple of references might not make sense to you.  Oh, look at me, telling you what to do.  Sorry, sorry everyone.  Got carried away. 

Also – after the story – is a long list of the various versions when I first typed it out.  Each version has some crossouts, things I changed, adjusted, then the next version, and the next.  I tried to change some text colors to make it easier to see where I revised, but for some reason a lot of the changes kept disappearing each time I clicked “save draft.”  Must be a WordPress bug.  It seems I went through about 8 revisions and fine tunings.  I have to admit, I never expected to get some of the praise that comes my way for my effort, but the truth is that all that praise is due to revising, revising, and revising.  So, if you’d like a little writing instruction from someone who has been teaching for about 25 years – don’t rush it.  Take your time.  Examine word choices and phrases to see what you can change but still get the same – or better – meaning with fewer words.  Also sprinkled in there are comments about what I changed and why.  My thanks to the mystery person who suggested that I do this.  If she wants to take credit, terrific, but I usually choose to keep names out of it unless I’m sure they are okay with it.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

photo-15

The List

Nicholas scratches his head, peers at smartphone through half-moon glasses.

“What’s this?”  Whining.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprays whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“They’re too lazy to write?  Sending pictures now?”

“Twitter.”  Sprinkles cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

She peeks over his shoulder.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Glaring, handing the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“The yellow thing with chains?  A bondage device?”

“Enough egg nog, pervert.”

“And that giant globe?”

She squints, shrugs.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Saint Fresh Mouth!”  Slaps him.

“WTF?  Bulls have balls, not cows.”  Pulls on his red hat, heads for the sleigh.

Mutters, “Bitches.”

__________________________

100 words

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now, the revising -

First shot -

A large man scratched his head while peering through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“I don’t get it,” he gruffed.

“It’s how they make their Christmas list,” Gertrude said, topping his hot chocolate with whipped cream.

“Pictures?”

“And Twitter.”  Sprinkle of cinnamon.

“I can’t even tell what he wants!  What is all this crap?”

She peeked over his shoulder, same glasses.

“Laptop.”

“I know that one.”

“Quiet.”  Pausing, then handing off the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“What’s that big yellow thing in the back?”

“Not sure, but I saw the elves throwing things at one once.”

“And that big, round thing?”

She leaned closer, shrugged.  “Cow balls?”

107 words

……………………………

 Second try -

A large man Nicholas (name saves two words) scratched his head, peered through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“I don’t get it,” he gruffed. (“I don’t get it”  not needed with “What’s this“) “What’s this?” he gruffed.  “What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude topped his cocoa with whipped cream sprayed whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“Pictures?”

“And Twitter.”  Sprinkle of cinnamon.  “From Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“I can’t even tell what he wants!  What is all this crap?” two phrases were redundant, cut one.

She peeked  Peeking over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“I know that one.”  “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”  more snarky, saved a word.

“Quiet.”  “Shush.” (more in character with an older woman) Pausing with attitude, handing off  over the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“What’s that Big yellow thing in the back.  Bondage device?”

“Not sure, but I saw the elves throwing things at one once.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

“No more egg nog for you.”  suggests drinking issue, better than both lines above it

“And that big, round thing?”

She leaned closer, shrugged.  “Cow balls?”  “Cow testicle?” (“balls” is a funnier word, but didn’t want it to get mistaken for “cow bells”)

“Bull.”

“Don’t be fresh.”

“WTF?”  He pulled on his red hat and headed out for the sleigh.

……………………………………

Third try - 

Nicholas scratched his head, peered through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprayed whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“Pictures?”

“From Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

Peeking over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Pausing with attitude, handing off  over (over seems more reluctant, unwilling but have to do it anyway)  the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Big yellow thing in the back.  Bondage device?”

“No more egg nog for you.”

“And that big, round thing?”

She leaned closer, shrugged.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Don’t be fresh.”

“WTF?”  He pulled on his red hat and headed out for the sleigh.

……………………………..

fourth try -

Nicholas scratched his head, peered through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprayed whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“Pictures?”

“From Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

Peeking over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Pausing with attitude, handing over the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Big yellow thing in the back.  Bondage device?”

“Pervert.  No more Enough (saved a word) egg nog for you.”

“And that big, round thing?”

She leaned closer, shrugged.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Don’t be fresh.”

“WTF?  Cows don’t have balls.”  He pulled Pulling (saving a word) on his red hat and headed heading (saving a word) out to the sleigh.

…………………………………

Make it five -

Nicholas scratched his head, peered through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprayed whipped cream on hot cocoa.

Pictures?  Too lazy to write?”   “I expected texting, but not pictures.”

“From Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

Peeking over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Pausing with attitude, Slaps him, Evil glare, (trying to save words) handing over the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Big yellow thing in the back.  “Yellow thing with chains?  Bondage device?”

“Pervert.  Enough egg nog for you.”

“And that big, round thing?”  “And that giant ball?” “And that giant globe?”  trying different versions to see which sounds better while being shorter.

She leaned closer, shrugged.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Don’t be fresh.”

“WTF?  Cows don’t have balls.”  Pulling on his red hat, heading out to the sleigh.

…………………………….

 Not finished yet -

Nicholas scratched scratches (went through the whole thing, changing to present tense, more immediate, might save words too)  his head, peered peers at smartphone through half-moon glasses at his smartphone.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprayed sprays whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“I expected texting, but pictures?”  “Too lazy to write?  Sending pictures now?”

“Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

She Peeking peeks over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Evil glare, handing the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Yellow thing with chains?  Bondage device?”

“Pervert.  Enough egg nog for you.”

“And that giant globe?”

She leaned leans closer, shrugged shrugs.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”  Slaps him.

“Don’t be fresh.”  Slaps him  (just moved it)

“WTF?  Cows don’t have balls.”  Pulling on his red hat, heading out to the sleigh.

……………………………

 Lost count.  Seven?

Nicholas scratches his head, peers at smartphone through half-moon glasses.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprays whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“Too lazy to write?  Sending pictures now?”

“Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

She peeks over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Evil glare, handing the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Yellow thing with chains?  Bondage device?”

“Pervert.  Enough egg nog for you.”

“And that giant globe?”

She leans closer, shrugs.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

Don’t be fresh.”  “Fresh mouth!”  Slaps him (saved a word)

“WTF?  Cows don’t have balls.”  Pulling Pulls on his red hat, heading out to heads (present tense and saved a word) for the sleigh.

……………………..

maybe eight?

Nicholas scratches his head, peers at smartphone through half-moon glasses.

“What’s this?” Gruffly.  Whining.  (wanted him more complaining than angry)

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprays whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“They’re too lazy to write?  Sending pictures now?”

“Twitter.”  Sprinkling cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

She peeks over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Evil glare Glaring, handing the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“Yellow thing with chains?  Perhaps a bondage device?”

Pervert.  Enough egg nog for you.”  “Enough egg nog, pervert.”  (saved two words)

“And that giant globe?”

She leans closer, shrugs.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Fresh mouth!”  Slaps him

“WTF?  Cows don’t have balls.” “Bulls have balls, not cows.” (added a word, but clarified too) Pulls on his red hat, heads for the sleigh.

………………………

finished?!

Nicholas scratches his head, peers at smartphone through half-moon glasses.

“What’s this?”  Whining.

“Christmas list 2.0.”  Gertrude sprays whipped cream on hot cocoa.

“Too They’re too lazy to write?  Sending pictures now?”

“Twitter.”  Sprinkles cinnamon.

“What is all this crap?”

She peeks over his shoulder, same glasses.  “Laptop.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“Shush.”  Glaring, handing the cocoa.  “Toolbox, tools, bucket.”

“The yellow thing with chains?  A bondage device?”

“Enough egg nog, pervert.”

“And that giant globe?”

She squints, shrugs.  “Cow testicle?”

“Bull.”

“Saint Fresh Mouth!”  Slaps him.

“WTF?  Bulls have balls, not cows.”  Muttering, pulls on his red hat, heads for the sleigh.  Mutters, “Bitch.” “Bitches.”  Stuck here because “bitches” could get confused with all the reindeer.  but “bitches” also makes it sound like santa is complaining about women in general, which is what i specifically want.  tough call.


#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 11/30

November 29, 2012

 

Every Wednesday Rickenbacker Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt to challenge writers to create a 100-word story or poem or anything that works for you.  Then post your work on your blog.  additionally, on friday, you go back to her site and post a link to your blog entry in the comments on her Friday Fictioneers post.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

I don’t usually say anything about my own work, but I’m rather proud of this one.

Two things before you read:  1. I’m a stickler for keeping to 100 words, but I slightly cheated.  I wrote “alot,” as one word when it really is two words.  2. I started a sentence with the numerals 2000 instead of writing it out.  Not sure why, just felt like it.  So forgive those technical errors, even though they’re intentional.

 

Christmas

A tall man, burly yet soft, strode alongside his long-haired son.

“I’m having trouble getting used to this.  Not what I planned or expected.”

“Let it go, Dad. We each choose what’s best for ourselves.  You can’t control everything.”

“You sure?” Father smiled.

“Okay.  Shouldn’t control everything.”

“Would be alot easier though.”

“Wouldn’t be fair.  Have patience.  They’ll come around.”

“2000 years wasn’t enough?”

“It’s just a blink.”

“All these lights?”

“Safer than candles.”

“That guy in red looks nothing like me.”

“Let it go, Dad.”

Father exhaled.

“Happy birthday, Son.”

“Thanks. And relax.  You did good.”

WE did good.”

__________________________

100 words


Happy Black Friday – Buy Me Something Good

November 23, 2012
(Reposted – because you never read it the first time..
I once believed that giving a gift card for a particular retail store was stupid because it was like giving someone cash and attaching a note that says, “Oh, by the way, you can only spend this cash in one specific store.  Enjoy!”  In that context, gift cards are not very appealing.  However, I have since thought about it a little differently.

Picking out a gift that is actually boxed and wrapped is wonderful, but it’s often a crap shoot unless the person has already told you what they want or you know them very well.  Giving plain cash or a check seems rather cold, as if you do not know the person very well at all or didn’t want to take the time to apply any thought to their gift.  Also, cash allows someone to be practical at the wrong time.  When someone gives me cash, it gives me the option to use it for other things like paying bills, gas money, or buying a gift for someone else, in which case I really never actually received a gift.  Same thing if I put it towards bills – never got a gift but paid down some debt.  Not a bad thing, but that’s not the purpose of a gift.

I mentioned previously about knowing someone well enough to pick out a good gift.  What if you know someone well enough to know they love going to the movies?  Even if that’s the case, you still can’t pick out a specific movie or know what day and time will be good for them.  What if you know someone loves doing projects around the house, but you don’t know what’s next on the Mr. Fixit list?  What if you know they love music and are always downloading songs from iTunes?

That’s where gift cards come in.

For the movie fan, you can get a gift card to AMC or another theater chain.  They’re everywhere.  For Mr. Fixit – a Home Depot card.  For the music lover – iTunes.  Most shopping malls sells gift cards for any store in the entire complex.  These gifts allow for the uncertainty of picking a specific item but still include some flexibility.  It gives them a moment to really enjoy themselves with something extra – like a gift is supposed to be – and it prevents them from turning that cash over into something practical like paying bills.  Before you buy that gift card, be warned.  Some cards expire.  Some have activation fees that immediately take a few bucks off the value before you’ve even given it to the intended person.  Sometimes there are usage fees that take $1 or $2 for each transaction, making it better to just use that card one time for all that it is worth.

A gift is a moment of getting and giving.  I don’t want to give a gift to your bank or credit card company.  I want to give it to you.  I want YOU to have a moment of indulgence, a moment when all that matters is good feeling for you without having to care about bills or someone to whom you owe money, thus robbing you of that “gift” moment.

Okay.  You can start shopping now.

-30-


Your Holiday Hit Parade

November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it has the spirit of Christmas but without the pressure of giving gifts.  With Thanksgiving come two things – weight gain and football.  Christmas music on the radio usually starts, meaning those radio stations that play 24-hour Christmas songs until a day or two after the 25th.  Also happening on Thanksgiving, and happening only once a year as far as I know is the traditional playing of “Alice’s Restaurant” by Arlo Guthrie – found at the end of this post.  It’s a wacky yet poignant anti-war song that I love, but I don’t want to hear it more than once a year so it’s all good, but let’s go back to the Christmas music.

Before anyone complains, I prefer not to hear any lectures about the injustice that “we” inflicted upon the Native Americans after they so nicely kept us from starving.  Of course it’s true and appalling, but I don’t want to hear about it. Not this week.  I also don’t want to hear about any insensitivity regarding Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, or any other cultural significance.  I’m not insensitive to those events, but I don’t celebrate them either.  I celebrate Christmas, so that’s what I’m writing about.  To be more specific, I’m writing out the songs, and to be even more specific, I’m writing about my favorite Christmas songs.  Just as I did with the great movies, I’m breaking the songs down by category, but luckily there is a small enough group that it’ll fit into one post.  Categories:  rock, country, classic, soul, and fringe.  Before you ask, “fringe” is something that is sort of rock but on a more alternative level.  I’ll explain when I get there.  Also, about the videos, they’re not official but just something to see while the song is playing.

________________________________

Rock – “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen.

Written by John F. Coots and Haven Gillespie

You can argue all you want, but there’s no better rock n roll Christmas song.  He takes a holiday classic, gives it a beer, and turns it sideways.  Also, he made sure there were sleigh bells.  Usually, I don’t want to hear a Christmas song without sleigh bells.  There’s more than one version of this song, but the best is the first one released, recorded at CW Post College in New York in 1975.  It was very well recorded with one fractional moment of feedback early in, and then it just kicks ass from there.  The sax rips when necessary and Bruce screams when necessary, but I wouldn’t call it screaming.  It was early enough in his career that he could belt and hold a note and an actual musical note at that instead of something that sounds like car tires on gravel.

_________________

Classic – “Winter Wonderland” by Tony Bennett

Written by Felix Bernard and Richard Smith

By classic, I mean the vocalist and not the song.  Tony Bennett has a voice that just makes me smile, like tea with honey in front of a fireplace.  I smile because I can hear the smile on his face when he sings.  It’s not impossible that I chose this particular song because of the movie When Harry Met Sally, when Meg Ryan is struggling to bring home a Christmas tree and stumbles in the snow.  However, I grew up with Bing Crosby, Elvis, and other artists on the record player while decorating the tree and trying to find the hidden presents, so Tony was in there for me many years before Harry and Sally.  What finishes the song for me is the excellent use of flutes or clarinets, horns, and strings to really highlight his voice.

________________________

Inspirational – “Christmas Canon” by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

written by Johann Pachelbel

I’m going to let the category “Inspirational” speak for itself.

_______________________

Soul – “Someday at Christmas” by the Jackson 5

Written by Ron Miller and Bryan Wells

I had to have at least one song that was more about the Christmas spirit, peace, and good will instead of Santa and snow, so this song certainly fits the “soul” category in both style of music as well as meaning.  It could be argued that it’s more like pop music than soul, but I don’t care because nobody is going to successfully argue that the Jackson 5 did not have soul.  When Justin Beiber had a chance to sing a Christmas song in the White House for President Obama, this is the song he chose.  It’s not a black thing, it’s a soul thing.  It starts with sleigh bells (Yes!) chiming out a little “White Christmas” before a drum beat turns it into a heartfelt plea for peace, but you can dance to it.

________________

Country – “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by John Mellencamp

Written by Tommie Connor

Yes, yes, John Cougar Mellencamp Ayers Allen Rashad is often thought of as rock, but he’s got fiddles and harmonicas mixed in his Indiana/Farm Aid roots.  You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.  His version of this song is nothing but country, and it’s a foot-stomping good time.  It starts with a slow guitar, then kicks from first right into fourth gear with touches of variation from the regular tune, jumping in a little early and a little late a couple of times just to keep you from getting too comfortable.  Like Bruce’s song, this was recorded early enough in his career not to protect you from his audio voice but from his attitude voice.  Today, with the anger he’s got stored up, I doubt he could record this same song.  He’s been through too many love and career roller coasters, so we’re lucky he taped this while he was able.  Another reason to classify this as country is that I don’t listen to country music, I love this song, and it was the only way I could work it in.

______________________

Fringe – “Little Drummer Boy” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Written by Katherine Davis

Want raw?  Joan Jett.  Want attitude?  Joan Jett.  Want someone who stays on key 24/7?  Okay, not Joan Jett, but she makes up for it with power.  A very traditional-sounding snare drum keeps pace throughout a very non-traditional version of what’s all about the Nativity, but the barn will be shaking during the bitching guitar riffs.  It’s a song rarely heard on the radio by those month-long Christmas stations, so you’re better off finding on iTunes or something like that.  What really dots the “i” is when she replaces “the ox and lamb kept time” with “the ass and lamb kept time.”  And when she sings “rum pa pum pum,” any Spanish teacher would be jealous of how she can roll her R’s.  If you’re driving while it’s playing, pay attention to your speedometer because it’ll start climbing without you even realizing it.

________________________

Novelty – “Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey” by Lou Monte

written by Ray Allen

I guess it’s my Italian heritage that makes this song so much fun.  The references to the “hills of Italy” reach home because my family extends from a mountain village in southern Italy where to this day there are only 50 families and three have my same last name.  It’s a catchy tune that pops into my head in the middle of summer if I’m not careful.  It starts – like a couple of others – with sleigh bells and recounts how Santa was helped by a little Italian donkey because the reindeer couldn’t handle the terrain.  Of course, if the reindeer fly, then the terrain is a non-issue.  But shut up.  It’s a fun song with a brief scattering of some Italian vocabulary that you’d here – or I would hear – at pretty much any family wedding, birthday party, or holiday gathering.

______________________________

Happy Holidays


The Great Movie Post (5/6) For the Family

November 14, 2012

Time for the family unit to sit and watch things together.  C’mon, you can do it.  Just post a Facebook update that says “BRB” and put down the cell phone for about an hour and a half.

BTW – sorry about the absence.  ran away to Mexico for about a week.

Animation

cartoons, stop motion, CGI, paper dolls

Holiday

Politically correct way of saying “Christmas”

Musical

When people suddenly break out in song and dance without necessarily being gay

Documentary

Really?  Facts?  zzzzzzzzzz

Concert

when a band performs live on stage with cameras rolling

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1.  Toy Story  – 1995  -  Animation

Close 2nd  Anything other than Ponyo

Directed by John Lasseter

Written by John Lasseter and Pete Docter

Linear Bonding Strip by Scotch

Oscar won for Special Technical Achievement, Nominated for Best Musical Score, Best Original Song, Best Original Screenplay.

 A cowboy doll is profoundly threatened and jealous when a new spaceman figure supplants him as top toy in a boy’s room.

 If you’re under 30, it’s not your fault that you might not be able to appreciate the real beauty of Toy Story.  Those under 30 have never really known a life without cable tv, the Internet, and DVD’s or at least VHS.  You don’t remember what it was like to wait for the one day a year when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was on TV because if your world, you would pop the disc in any time you wanted.  The same goes for the amazement of Computer Generated Imaging (CGI).  So when Toy Story was released, it was a stunning achievement in film that you just weren’t there for at the right age.  And luckily, that new technology, for which it earned a special Oscar, came with a helluva story.

Toy Story is about one thing:  progress.  Life is progress and full of various little progressions.  We grow up, we learn, we do our best, and we get replaced.  Cut and dry.  Woody (Tom Hanks) has been the everlasting favorite toy of a plain-ass kid named Andy.  But there’s a snappy new toy, a “space ranger,” that every kid wants – Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen).  He’s got a spacesuit, molded wings, a helmet that pops open and closed, blinking lights, and a “death” ray.  Through no fault or intent of his own, Buzz is slowly replacing Woody as Andy’s favorite toy, but Woody is not just going to roll over and take it.  He shows some sharp jealousy and goes a little too far in trying to preserve his #1 role, and it gets both Woody and Buzz in some trouble.

It’s a film that has to be watched probably five or six times before you can really take in everything that’s packed in.  The perfect CGI replications of classic games and toys, the stand-up wit and barbs traded by Hamm (John Ratzenberger) and Potato Head (Don Rickles), and the way most of the toys act with such an acute awareness of who and where they are.  Jaws was once my most-watched film, but Toy Story is slowly replacing it.

Favorite scene:  The toys’ reactions when the party guests arrive.

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2.  It’s a Wonderful Life – 1946  -  Holiday

Close 2nd  Elf  (sorry to fans of A Christmas Story)

Directed by Frank Capra

Written by Frances Goodrich, Albert Hackett, and others

Petals by Zuzu

Oscar nominated for Best Actor, Director, Picture, Film Editing, and Sound Recording.

 An angel helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated businessman by showing what life would have been like if he never existed.

I began this series of posts with one criteria – films that you’ll love enough that you’ll watch them until the end if you land in the middle while channel surfing.  None matches that more than this one for me because it’s just not possible for me to not watch the rest, even if it’s more than halfway through.  It represents the greatest possible self sacrifice for the best possible reasons:  family, community, and country.

George Bailey has – I mean “had” – big dreams.  World travel, be an architect, lasso the moon, and then some crazy stuff too.  He had loving, accommodating parents with idealistic approach to encourage him.  His father ran a ragtag financial group called the Bedford Falls Building and Loan that allowed those of uneasy means to put a roof over their heads and live their American Dream.  George was on the doorstep to the beginning of it all when tragedy struck, and his supportive father was taken away.  It left George with two options.  He could begin his life of greatness that he’d planned, or he could stay home and take over the Building and Loan.  It doesn’t take any brains to know that George gave up of himself for others, but it’s a matter of how.

I had probably seen It’s a Wonderful Life roughly five times before I had actually seen it from the very beginning.  So, just in case, I’ll review it.  George, facing great embarrassment that you’ll learn about when you watch it for the first time, attempts suicide.  He’s interrupted by an angel who pulls him out of the icy river into which he’s jumped.  After Clarence, the angel, hears George wish he’d never been born, he gives George the most amazing bitter-sweet gift – to see what life would have been like without him.  That’s the guts of the film, and that’s what will pull your guts loose and make you want to watch it over and over again, as I have for about 20 years.  Just don’t watch the Ted Turner colorized version.  Eww.

Favorite scene:  The short montage of how George kept Bedford Falls secure during the war.

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3.  The Wizard of Oz – 1939  -  Musical

Close 2nd  West Side Story

Directed by Victor Fleming

Adapted from a story by L. Frank Baum

Flying Monkeys by Bernie Darwin

Oscars won for Best Score and Best Original Song, nominated for Best Picture, Art Direction, Color Cinematography, and Special Effects.

 Dorothy Gale is swept away to a magical land in a tornado and embarks on a quest to see the Wizard who can help her return home.

I was browsing the daily itinerary of the activities on a cruise ship a few years ago and saw two interesting things scattered amongst the snorkeling and kayaking excursions.  One was called “Friends of Bill W.” which I knew was sort of a code name for Alcoholics Anonymous.  The other was called “Friends of Dorothy,” but I was unaware of its decoding.  As I glanced through the karaoke and dance club times, I kept thinking about “Friends of Dorothy” and slowly pieced it together.  In case you didn’t know, a large percentage of gay men have a great affinity for Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz.  I’m not completely sure of why Dorothy is so beloved by the Gay community.  Maybe it’s the voice of Judy Garland, or maybe it’s just the dress and shoes.  Or maybe it’s about someone who is trying to just go home to the family she loves and misses after having tried to run away from home.  Then, when a tornado is coming, she instead attempts to return to her family, only to find herself tossed skyward while inside their farmhouse.  Said farmhouse then falls back to earth, only to land on and kill a witch.  Oh, but Dorothy isn’t satisfied there and immediately embarks on a journey to kill the witch’s sister.

Of course I’m exaggerating, but I’m allowed and you can’t stop me, so “nyah.”  (universal sound of sticking out tongue in order to mock someone).  There’s nothing I can say about The Wizard of Oz that you don’t already know so I won’t bore you with any story or plot details.  Instead, I’ll just leave you with a few interesting pieces.  You’ve likely heard the story that if you start the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon at exactly the same time you see the lion roar inside the MGM logo, there will be some very interesting film and song moments that coincide.  That might also be true with almost any movie and almost any album, but it’s only a stupid myth created by someone who smoked a whole lotta pot.  Also, at roughly 101 minutes into the film you’ll see the Dorothy, the lion, the scarecrow, and the Tinman prancing up the yellow brick road, and off to the left on the horizon is what appears to be a man hanging himself.  One legend says it was a stagehand, a maintenance worker, who was unhappy about something.  Another said it was a depressed munchkin who was dumped by another little person.  The truth is that many stagehands were unhappy.  Also true is that the shadow of a dead man is really just the silhouette of a poorly-drawn tree on a back drop.  If anyone tells you differently, tell them to move to Kansas.

Favorite scene – When the Wizard gives the Scarecrow his gift of a brain, which prompts Scarecrow to inaccurately explain the properties of an isosceles triangle.

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4.   Bowling for Columbine – 2004  -  Documentary

Close 2nd  Fahrenheit 9/11

Directed by Michael Moore

Written by Michael Moore

Bullets formerly by K-Mart

Oscar for Best Documentary

 Filmmaker Michael Moore explores the roots of America’s predilection for gun violence.

 America – we got issues.  Violent issues.  We’ve got this paranoia that someone’s out to get us, so we carry guns.  And since so many people are carrying guns, then there are many people potentially ready to “get us.”  It’s like a perpetual motion machine or an unhealthy cycle.  It’s a logistical and deadly “chicken or the egg” conundrum.  In Michael Moore’s mega-award (everything other than an Oscar) winning documentary, it seems our Wild West never went away.  It just grew so big that it’s everywhere.  It’s like living on an island.  It’s only an island when you look at it from the water.  So the American Island is entirely the Wild West.  Yeah, that was dumb.

Anyway, the movie is basically nice different ways to prove that we have too many guns and too many violent, angry people.  And it asks the question, “What were we doing before the violence kicked in?”  We weren’t born this way, so what triggered it?  As the title suggests, maybe we were just bowling, doing something nice and fun, and then one day – snap.  The “bowling” refers to Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the two students who murdered 12 other students and one teacher while injuring 72 others before turning their guns on themselves (like all cowards do) on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School, not far from Denver, Colorado.  A students interviewed in the film was asked if she knew them and said they seemed like any other kid and remembered one of them being on the bowling team, just looking like a regular kid.  I guess at some point we all look like regular kids, but some of us have things happen, and some of us deal with those things differently than others.

Bowling for Columbine doesn’t entirely blame the gun industry, also pointing fingers at the media, the National Rifle Association, and Hollywood.  In one “funny” segment, he shows a bank that gives away rifles for opening new accounts, then proudly walks out with one.  And there’s a touching segment involving a boy who’s life was drastically altered in a shooting that involved bullets bought at a local K-Mart.  Until this movie, I would never have guessed K-Mart sold weapons of personal destruction.  Then I went to my local store to see for myself that it’s true.  Very disappointing.

Favorite scene:  Opening doors in Canada.

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5.   Let It Be– 1970  Concert

Close 2nd  Woodstock

Directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg

Written by Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, and Starr

Oscar won for Best Music/Original Score.

 The filmed account of the Beatles’ attempt to recapture their old group spirit by making a back to basics album, which instead drove them further apart.

 I don’t care that the Rolling Stones call themselves “the world’s greatest rock and roll band.”  That’s just a trademark phrase that they themselves adopted.  It’s like giving yourself your own nickname, calling yourself Rocky or something.  It’s wrong and doesn’t work because it’s phony.  As for who is or isn’t or has been the world’s greatest rock and roll band, it should lie with whoever can define more than just an era of music but beyond music into culture in its entirety.  That’s the Beatles, not the Rolling Stones.  The Stones did one type of music – theirs.  The Beatles did everyone’s music.

After rising from nothing and creating everything, with a little borrowing from Motown and Elvis, they then should have fallen.  Instead, they reinvented.  No, they evolved with the decades instead of just doing one type of music, as the Stones did and still do.  The Stones became a mockery of themselves, just as Aerosmith has, in a way.  Instead, the Beatles looked around, saw the world, jumped in, and came out the other side.  Then it was time for them to fall again, and they dug their claws in, unwilling to let go.  Let it Be was the result of what happened when they would either pull back up or fall.  Thus, the title Let it Be.  The film does the near impossible, capture a moment in history, but artistic history, not military or political history.  It captures a moment when there was greatest that slipped away.  The creators of that greatness all paused to look back and see where they had gone wrong.  They backtracked with goodwill to try again.

It’s hard to encourage someone without an appreciation of the Beatles to want to see this movie.  All I can say is that if you were able to sit and watch it, you’d walk away with the appreciation that you don’t have now.

Favorite scene:  The Rooftop?

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Up next, the conclusion  ”The Wild Cards”


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