Writing 2.3 – A Contract with the Reader

May 18, 2013

secret-window (2)

When I took a graduate class called “Writing the Novel” a few years ago, I learned two very important things.  First, if you tell a woman that she’s writing a romance novel when she thinks she’s writing literary fiction, be prepared to see a chair fly across the room.  Second, there’s something called “The Contract with the Reader.”  Let’s forget about throwing chairs for a while and focus on the contract, which was something I had never heard of before.

Let’s pretend you’re in a bar and a guy sitting to your left says, “You want to hear a story?”  Of course you don’t, but you say, “Sure.  Thrill me.”  He knows sarcasm, so he says, “Tell you what.  If I give you a four-sentence setup, and you agree that you’re interested in hearing the rest, then you owe me a beer.  How’s that?”  So of course, you say, “Sure.  Thrill me.”  So he says:

A lonely, 13-year old boy lives with his single mom in a trailer park has a quiet place in the woods nearby where he feels safe from everyone else.  One afternoon, when his mom is working late, he goes to his place in the woods where he falls asleep until dark.  He wakes frightened from an incredibly strange dream and starts walking home.  Usually he snaps his fingers to break the silence because he’s afraid of the dark, but when he snaps his fingers this night, it painless but warm, candle-like flame comes from the end of his finger.

I don’t know about you, but those four sentences would have cost me at least one beer or as many as it takes for him to tell me the rest of the story, mainly because it begs for questions.  What was the dream about?  Was it really a dream?  What is producing the flames?  Why is he lonely?  What kind of kid is he?  

To be clear, that setup was written by another student in the same graduate class as the chair-throwing romance writer.  Would love to take credit for it, but I can’t.  The storyteller in the bar has just created a contract, and I am the reader.  He has said to me, “If you’re willing to hang in there for about 80,000 words, I promise I will deliver a story that explains everything.”  As the reader, I have the ability to accept the agreement, which means read the story, or not accept, which means I keep browsing the shelves or wait for another guy to show up on the barstool on the right who might have a better story.

Sometimes we accept the contract that turns out to be worth every penny.  Whether it was 2000 pennies for the book or the beer doesn’t matter, as long as you get a story that delivers on its promise.  Sometimes we accept the contract, but the story doesn’t deliver.  Even if you wanted, you won’t get your money back.  Worse than that, you won’t get the time back either.  Those 75,000 words are stuck in your head, and you will probably search right away for another story to wash the memories away.  It was a bad contract and should never have been offered to you, but there’s no way you could have known without someone having warned you.  You don’t usually get that in books or movies, but it sure is needed.

secret_windowOne of my favorite examples of a bad contract is Secret Window with Johnny Depp, based on a story by Stephen King.  It’s got a four-sentence setup that’s so good you would be willing to buy the guy on your left a case of beer if the story worked out.  If you don’t know the story, the setup would go like this:

 Mort Rainey, a successful writer who recently split with his wife, retreats to a lakeside cabin to work on his next book but gets a mysterious visitor.  John Shooter, an angry man from Mississippi, insists that Mort has plagiarized his short story.  Although a typed copy of the man’s story is nearly word for word with the version Mort had published, Mort has printed proof that he wrote the story first.  Mort tries to ignore the man and hopes he’ll go away, but bad things start happening, like a house burning down, friends getting killed, and each bad thing gets closer and closer to Mort.

Sounds like a pretty good setup, right?  Begging for questions?  How did they write the same story without knowing each other?  Who really wrote it first?  Is there some way one could have accidentally gotten it from the other?  How far will this stranger go in tormenting Mort?  

You, like me, would probably have been okay with buying a few beers, maybe even a case, if the guy on the barstool would give you a good 70 or 75,000 words and bring it all together.  However, this is a contract you should not sign.  And if you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to know the rest, you should stop after the next paragraph.

Secret Window is an excellent example of a broken contract.  The stranger, John Shooter, convinces both himself and the audience that Mort stole his story, and the consequences to Mort’s refusal are swift and strong.  Both the local sheriff and Mort’s lawyer investigate, and more lives are threatened and lost.  When Mort confronts his ex-wife’s new boyfriend about his involvement, he learns that the boyfriend stems from a town in Tennessee called Shooters Bay.  The coincidences grow, as do the close calls, some of which are deadly.  Wanna know how it ends?

xsecretwindow

Split personality.  John Shooter is really some kind of stupid alter-ego of Mort.  We’re supposed to believe that the divorce had shaken Mort so much that he developed another personality that turned around to terrorize himself.  Apparently, when we hear Shooter talk to Mort on the phone, the voice is imaginary – I guess.  Oh, they did some interesting things to plant clues, such as when Mort thinks shooter has broken into his house and, when Mort thinks he’s about to clobber him with a bat, it turns out to be a mirror.  That’s supposed to be a clever way of foreshadowing that Mort is really Shooter, but it’s kind of lame.  The only thing more lame would have been if it had all been a dream.  That’s the worst ever.

It is an unfair and misleading contract, and it is something you should consider when you are writing a story.  What exactly are you offering the reader?  Imagine you are the guy on the barstool to my left.  Thrill me.  Set up a story that makes me want to buy you a beer, and I will gladly listen to all 75,000 words.  However, you better bring it all together with a resolution that takes every loose end and tie them all into neat bows as if it’s my birthday present.  If you don’t, you might want to head for the door when my last beer bottle is just about finished because, like that woman with the chair in my graduate class, I just might tomahawk an empty one in your direction.  So watch your back.

01-26


Writing 2.2 – Getting it Ready

May 14, 2013

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The purpose of this is not to educate you or any other writer.  I don’t pretend to know things that you don’t because I’m actually hoping for the opposite – in that I am detailing this process in case someone knows more than me, has accomplished these things already, and can help me avoid the potholes in the road ahead.

With help, I revised for the fourth time.  That was Writing 2.0.  It also included cutting back on Facebook, humorous blog posts, movie reviews, and a few other things in order to devote more time to actual novel writing.  I discussed choosing to try traditional publishing instead of self publishing, but some misinterpreted me as criticizing self publishing.  To be specific, I didn’t say self publishing is a bad thing.  I said that writers should try traditional publishing first, knowing that they could fall back to try self publishing if traditional doesn’t succeed.

A handful of people reacted negatively when I said that “self-published” authors should not refer to themselves as “published authors.”  I never said that self-published authors or their books are not as good as traditional, but I did say there is a level of achievement that deserves recognition for going through the traditional process.  It is not easy to run that gauntlet, and it deserves distinction.  Of course I recognize that, although rare, one can make millions of dollars and sell millions of self-published books, but you literally (no pun intended) have a better chance of winning a lottery.  I also recognize that it is entirely possible that the greatest book ever written is sitting undiscovered on someone’s self-published Amazon link.  However, those who disagreed with me should recognize that I could take all the letters from fifty-seven Scrabble games, toss them in a pile, type whatever letter is chosen next, upload that to a self-published Amazon link, and then I have the same legal right to call myself a “published author.”  But should I?  No.

Then came Writing 2.1 - Polishing up the query and preparing the pitch to agents, and this is the main reason why some self-publishing writers are avoiding the traditional route.  It is better to make every possible effort to publish traditionally instead of self publishing first.  There is no argument that a greater percentage of writers would prefer to break into traditional publishing instead of resorting to self publishing, but there are still a great many writers who don’t give traditional a chance and instead go straight for self publishing.  Why?

Some do it because they fear losing control of their work.  Some fear giving up too great a percentage of money.  But some go with self publishing because they fear the rejection of traditional publishing.  They fear the pile of rejection letters or e-mails that say things like “this project is not the right fit for us,” and “I’m sure that you will find success, but it isn’t our style,” and other polite ways of saying “No thanks.”  There are other reasons that push writers into self publishing, but the fear of rejection is clearly the strongest, and I know that from personal experience.

Here’s a good place to get help on a query - 

http://www.writersdigest.com/wp-content/uploads/2012-WM_QLC.pdf

ibm.man_looking_at_stack_of_papers.102649709.lg

Agents have what is called a “slush pile,” a stack of unsolicited submissions that they dig through, and that is where mine will be.  Many self-published writers fear their submission will go from the slush pile to the trash can, and most will, but that is better than not going anywhere at all.

Enough of that.  What I really wanted to do here was share more about the next step – pitching to agents.  I wrote a decent query (new version below), the letter sent to agents in which you boil down 75,000 words to a description of about two paragraphs.  Then you toss in some stuff about yourself and why the book will sell so many copies.  It also helps to do some research, find the names of other authors working with each agent who also write what you write.  So I might have a sentence something like, “This story compares to Screaming Dead Guy by Artie Schlumm published last year by Rigor Mortis Press.”  Once the query is ready, you then have to find the agents.  I chose www.writersmarket.com.

WM 1

It’s a database of many things involved with writing, but the main reason for me is to find agents.  I took some screen shots to give you an idea of what’s involved.  Above is the home page on which you can see the menus of information available, but I am mainly interested in the agents.

There are various criteria you can use for searching, such as state, fiction, non-fiction, etc., but the trickiest for me was the genre of the story.  My story is about ghosts, but it’s not really a “ghost story” in the traditional description.  I was hoping for there to be a “paranormal” option, but there isn’t.  The best choice there is “suspense,” but I’m still not 100% certain, and that isn’t good because it makes me feel as if I don’t know my own story well enough.

WM 2a

After searching, I ended up with a list of forty agents whose information gathered by Writers Market indicates that they might be interested in my type of book.  I now have to visit each individual website to follow their submission guidelines.  Some just want the query, others may ask for the first chapter or three chapters.  Some might want a one-page synopsis or the entire manuscript.  The most important thing is to follow each individual agent’s instructions.  Some are very picky, and if you don’t follow their directions, they won’t even read what you’ve sent.  They’re not all like that, but you can’t take a chance.  If they want those first three chapters in Times New Roman 12 or Courier 12, then you better do it accordingly.  If they do not want attachments, then don’t send attachments.

WM 3

So, time to take the mound and start pitching.  Most agents, when queried through e-mail, will reply in about a month.  So in about a month I will have a growing pile of polite “No thanks.”  Hopefully, very hopefully, a few will ask for the rest of the story.  I will keep you posted.

Meanwhile, what I’ve also learned about writing is to always have two projects going at once.  While you are “pitching” one project, you should also be in the process of writing the next project.  That will begin as soon as round one of my pitches are thrown.  As for now, I have forty letters to customize.  So – time to get the ball and take the mound…

__________________________

Dear Person I Must Impress, 

Connecting Flight – 76,000 words, paranormal suspense

When a cross-country airliner crashes and all aboard are killed, two passengers resist crossing into the afterlife because of “unfinished business.”  Chris Babbage suffers guilt from not preventing the death of his 8-year old son.  Ann Camillo’s guilt is from abandoning her family for a failed modeling/acting career that became soft porn instead.  Additionally, both strongly suspect their spouses are having affairs.  These unresolved issues trap them among the living.  Together, these strangers struggle across the country, destined to complete a mysterious journey home to eventually discover that their unfinished business is secretly connected to each other.

Connecting Flight is about ghosts but more than a ghost story.  Chris, a pragmatic math teacher, and Ann, an earthy artist, occasionally help the living, including a suicidal single mom, a bullying victim, and a teen prostitute.  Each time they help the living, they learn more about their own lives, fears, and selves.  But they aren’t alone in this realm of the non-living.  Other beings with bad intentions are stalking and waiting to take them to a dark and different afterlife.

Connecting Flight combines the paranormal style of Neil Gaiman with the head-butting dialogue of Nora Ephron and reads like a hybrid of the films Ghost and When Harry Met Sally.  The combinations of love, anger, humor, and loss will easily touch a vast audience, especially women.  Marketing plans include book signings, nationwide appearances, and reaching thousands of people in my blogging network.

I have another paranormal novel finished that was a finalist for last year’s Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award and outlines for four more.  I’ve had five short stories published by Piker Press, dozens of film reviews published by CineKatz.com, and essays published on CNN.com.  After having retired from 25 years teaching writing, I would love for you to assist me with my second career.

Thank you for considering Connecting Flight, which is a simultaneous submission.  I limited this query to a letter and the first 50 pages as per your submission guidelines.  If you are interested in reading more, I will send it ASAP, without any layovers, delays or transfers.

 ______________________

Thanks again to Mike and Heidi for your help on this letter.  

Beer in the fridge.  Help yourself.  Sorry, Heidi, no soda.  :P


The “Not So” Great Gatsby

May 11, 2013

gatsby-original-cover-artEither late in high school or early in college, I was ordered to read The Great Gatsby. I regarded it as the most boring thing I had ever picked up. However, roughly 20 years later, I decided that it may have been me who was boring, so I decided – through the recommendation of others – that I should read it again because I, as an adult, would now be in a better frame of mind to appreciate the literary genius of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Nope.

Why is it that so many writers, and especially so many writing teachers, are quick to proclaim The Great Gatsby as one of the greatest novels ever written? Shortly after its publication, H.L. Mencken – a rather significant writer and journalist – referred to The Great Gatsby as just a “glorified anecdote,” and I completely agree. It’s a worthless and boring piece of work that does nothing more than allow a handful of shallow-minded society folk to show off their ability to do nothing other than uselessly and wastefully spend money and pursue extra-marital affairs with people more dull than themselves. And without the convenience of coincidence, not even that could happen.

I must apologize however, because it is wrong to refer to this story as “fiction” since there is no driving plot and no likable characters. If Moby Dick could swallow the entire cast, the world would improve. Usually, good fiction can be summarized with the following statement: “Somebody wants something, but someone or something else is in the way.” So tell me, who in this story wants something? Or, to ask a better question, who in this story has a want or need that is so compelling that I actually want to read the book? Maybe Gatsby wants Daisy? Why should I care? Daisy seems to want Nick and kisses him several times, even though they’re cousins but while still proclaiming her love for both Gatsby and her husband Tom, who is having his own affair with Myrtle, the wife of George Wilson. Whew. Affairs can be interesting, especially when there is a great deal of tension between the cheating parties and their legitimate better-half is in the same room. However, it doesn’t take long for Gatsby to pop right up to say that Daisy never loved Tom at all. Tom’s reaction? Basically, “Yes she does.” Wow, that’s drama.

Or maybe what Gatsby wants is to be liked? People seem to enjoy his parties, but nobody really seems to like or respect him. They tell stories about him, but they don’t really care about him. Why should they? He never answers a question with a straight answer and basically bullies people while smiling and sending a butler to refill their drinks, possibly to keep them drunk so they can’t remember what a dullard he is.

The only time there was interesting tension or drama was when Tom realized that he was simultaneously losing both his wife Daisy and his lover Myrtle. However, I could not feel sympathy for Tom because he was a brut who broke Myrtle’s nose after she mentioned his wife’s name. That drama lasted about half a page, and before we could really get into a conflict between husbands, wives, and lovers, Fitzgerald did a very convenient thing: he killed Myrtle and made it seem Gatsby’s fault so that Myrtle’s husband would kill Gatsby. This was way too convenient and could only lead me to one conclusion: Fitzgerald was done. He had nothing else interesting he could say or do with those characters, so he killed them. And he started a pretty good trend. Did you see the film Love Story? How about Terms of Endearment? Those two highly regarded films are cleaned up the same way, and it shows only one thing of the writer. He or she had absolutely no ideas left, so they had to kill someone to end the story. It’s very hard to end a story in a way that makes sense and ties the whole plot together. Just ask Stephen King.

There are other ways that convenience rules here. Without the narrator, Nick Caraway, there is no story. However, there are times in the story where Nick tells of scenes that he cannot possibly know about. Yes, I need to back that up, but I’ll have to find it later. For the attempt of drama to begin, we had to know that Tom was messing around with Myrtle. We learn this because Tom needed to mention it to Nick, his wife’s cousin. Why would a man tell his wife’s cousin that he’s cheating? Because either he’s plain stupid – leading me to not care about him – or the writer is plain stupid if he or she expects me to accept that.

So, let’s review. There is no driving conflict. There is no clear protagonist for me to follow and wait to see if that character achieves success. There is no clear antagonist to hinder the unclear protagonist. There are no likeable characters. Nobody wants or needs anything that I care enough about to see what happens.
Someone please tell me why this book is often called one of the greatest works of American fiction?


Writing 2.1 – Getting Help

May 9, 2013

stock-footage-a-man-in-a-fedora-typing-on-a-vintage-manual-typewriter-film-noir-style-lighting Roughly a year ago, I posted 18 chapters and about 50,000 words and thought I had a really good story about two people in a plane crash.  Not so.  Over the past two months I revised those same 18 chapters and, with the help of some great people, I now have 25 chapters, 75,000 words, and a really good story.  Some of the nice words I was given include “spectacular” and “wonderful.”  The chapters have since been removed just to protect the story from being “borrowed.”  It’s happened before.

To those who started the story but did not stick with it, I am sorry and wish I knew why it wasn’t good enough to hold your interest.

To say that I got “help” is a great understatement.  Help is “you typed her but I think you meant he.”  The help I got was more like “in this chapter, the character’s vocabulary is rather casual and contemporary.  But back in other chapters, his speech was more formal.  You need to be consistent.”  I like to think I’m smart, but I never would have noticed that.

When I stopped regular blog posts back in March and focused on preparing a fourth draft of a novel, I could not have imagined the in-depth, razor-sliced critique and feedback that I was lucky enough to find.  It might have only been about five people, but it was a fortunate thing that they turned out to be five brilliantly caring people.  There were discussions, disagreements, but no disparagement.  Well, maybe a couple of sharp e-mails, but that’s about it.  I’m not sleeping with one eye open, let’s put it that way.

So, what’s next?  I prepare a query (see below), which is a letter that takes about 75,000 words and boils them down to about two paragraphs.  Then another paragraph about why I think the book will have mass appeal.  Then a final paragraph about me, what I’ve done, what I plan to do.  Funny how I can write 75,000 above-average words but can’t write a 300-word letter about the 75,000.  Thanks to Mike for going to town on that part.  Just waiting for one more set of eyes to get back to me on the query, but I’m including it below if you’re interested in what it’s like.

Then, I scour websites for agents who work with this kind of story.  Some agents just want the letter.  Some want the letter and the first chapter, few chapters, something like that.  From what I hear, you better follow their directions down the last word because some will disregard your query for the smallest mistake.  I also hear that they just want to read a good story.  I’m clueless on this part of the process, so I would love to hear anyone’s experiences or advice.

Meanwhile, I will keep you aware of what happens as I hear back from the agents I contact.  I expect many rejections because that’s the reality.  However, a rejection is better than nothing because it at least shows that you’re trying.  Also, less than a week from now, I hope to start posting chapters from the next story. Thanks again to these amazing people – in random order – for their comments, questions, suggestions, and generosity:

http://valentinelogar.com/

http://elappleby.wordpress.com/

http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/

http://en.gravatar.com/catherinelumb

http://tadalena.wordpress.com/

http://mikecalahan.wordpress.com/

http://thebutterflyhatch.wordpress.com/

http://faithhopechocolate.wordpress.com/

http://buddhakat.wordpress.com/

http://lifeofawillow.wordpress.com/

I looked all of you up through the comments.  If I missed anyone, I greatly apologize.

_______________________________

Query:

Dear Person I Must Impress;

When a flight from Philadelphia to Los Angeles crashes and all aboard are killed, two of the dead, Chris Babbage and Ann Camillo, are granted the heavenly light that invites them to cross over to the afterlife.  However, they are confronted with a gnawing pull of the proverbial unfinished business and choose to remain in the disconnected realm between the living and the dead.  Together, Chris and Ann find no shortage of opportunities to affect the living, including a lonely child who communicates with the dead, an elderly man on his last living day, a single mother contemplating suicide, and a victim of sexual abuse.  Chris and Ann also must be aware of the evil beings pursuing them, “lost souls” that would love nothing more than to drag a few do-gooders to Hell.

Connecting Flight is a 75,000-word novel about two strangers thrown together under extraordinary circumstances and learning to survive in an unseen and disconnected world somewhere between the living and the dead.  Chris and Ann have a charming and witty rapport that ranges from contentious to congenial, including times when they might even try to kill each other if they weren’t already dead.  Readers will immediately compare the biting and witty dialogue to When Harry Met Sally.  If you loved Harry and Sally, you will love the head-butting and love-hate relationship in Connecting Flight.

With three full revisions and five beta-readers, Connecting Flight is ready for publication.  I also have four other titles, four outlines ready for first drafts, and ten short stories – so there will be no shortage of work or writer’s block if you choose to work with me.

After teaching English for 25 years, I am now writing full time as well as supervising a local writing group. My publication credits include a few dozen film reviews (CineKatz.com), four short stories (Piker Press), and a handful of social commentary (CNN iReport).  If you are interested in seeing either sample chapters or the entire manuscript for Connecting Flight, I will gladly make sure you have it immediately.  I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely yours, 

Guy Who Wrote It

_______________________


Writing 2.0 – Getting Started

March 26, 2013

not-welcome-doormat-israel

I was once kicked out of a social group for being too social.  Sociable.  Whatever.  The point is that I have trouble not talking to people, regardless of online, such as Facebook or WordPress, or in line at the supermarket.  It’s caused problems.

Roughly a year ago, I stopped teaching in order to start writing, and start is what I did.  Within two months, I had finished a first draft of a novel about two people who meet, as ghosts, after dying in a plane crash.  In short, it’s like When Harry Met Sally in spirit form.  I posted it one chapter at a time here for feedback, which was nice, especially from a few people who seemed to adore it.  Okay, it was really just that one lovely poet in India, but the encouragement prompted me to post other stories and get more pats on the back.  It was nice, too nice.  I branched into other forms of writing, such as social commentary and film reviews.  Someone found me interesting enough to suggest I write about myself, which I did for about 16 chapters.  That brought even more “likes” and attention and friends.  That was bad.  I was supposed to be writing novels, not shaking hands and waving to the crowd.

Several people warned me very nicely that each time I wrote 500 words for a film review, that was 500 words not added to a novel.  Each of those 16 autobiographical chapters, times 2,000 words, was 32,000 words not added to a novel.  I had lost sight of my goal, which was to make a living through writing.  Blogging is fun, and I would never dare criticize it, but it’s not going to be a career, not the way I had approached it.  Blogging is writing, of course, but it’s different writing.  As ready as I might feel now to begin what I consider more serious writing, I could not possibly feel this ready had it not been for blogging.  It was necessary, but it needs remodeling.

Recently I visited a friend’s blog and apologized for not having visited much lately, and he respectfully told me I was wrong.  He said, and I paraphrase, “You have your writing to do.  You provide people with entertainment, and that takes a lot of time and effort.  You have no obligation to read anyone else’s work.”  That too easily made sense.  I had been spending a great deal of time reading, commenting, visiting other blogs in order to get more people over to my blog as well as to just make more friends.  That was a nice thing to do, but it doesn’t help write novels.  I visited another blogger who actually has made a living as a writer, both with published books and features in publications like the New York Times.  She said, “Don’t get sucked into blogging and Facebook.  Those things are too distracting and will drain your time and words in the wrong direction.”  She was right, but I didn’t listen because I was too busy watching my followers reach 400, 500, 600, and now almost 700.  I’m not saying that blogging is “goofing around.”  I’m saying that if you want to write books, then you need to refocus your time and effort.

Trumping both of those situations is the editor who read some of my work and was very willing to help me fix things up to assist with pitching my work to agents.  That is the kind of thing that writers are dreaming about – someone working in the industry noticing your work and reaching out to you instead of you having to solicit and hope for a positive answer.  What did I do with that offer?  I worked on it for about a week, and then I fell back into the immediate gratification of blog posts.  I was given great advice and a gift, and I ignored it all.  At this point, I’m even too ashamed to ask her again if she would help.

Back in September, I joined a writers group managed by a published author.  I attended two meetings, each about 2 hours, but for 1 ½ of those hours the author told us aaalllll about herself, what she’d written, how, when, why, etc.  She brought copies of her books for us to buy, some kind of romance I think.  I’m not criticizing, just giving details.  She brought useless handouts and writing exercises not worth doing.  We were supposed to send her writing samples that she was to distribute to other members.  What I got back were some suggestions for different word choices.  Then I stopped getting e-mail invitations to the meetings.

Their writing class

not my writing class, but it felt like it

Back in January, I joined a different group after being on a waiting list since September.  Good people.  They had a “Meet the Author” night with a gentleman from a Philadelphia college with a book about something unimportant to me.  I searched his book title, and it was available on something called SBPRA: Strategic Book Publishing & Right Agency.  I searched that, and it’s actually worse than self-publishing.  It’s a company that you pay, and then they self-publish for you.  Also, they’re under investigation for fraud.  Every time I came across a “published” author, it was less impressive and more discouraging.  However, the discouragement has been a good push, and I realized it was time to stop goofing around.  

If you – like me – want to write books, then you should STOP:

1. ranting online that you’re not published

2. complaining that “it’s not what you know but who you know”

3. self-publishing without trying traditional publishing

4. tweeting a link – 24/7 – to your book on Amazon

5. tweeting/blogging/FB-ing about your “exciting new release!”

6. calling yourself a “published author” for self publishing

7. begging people to read your selfpub book on GoodReads

8. hoping that a publisher or agent will notice your selfpub book

9. recruiting more followers to your blog

10. touting false stats to get attention on Amazon

11. fearing that you are going to fail

______________________________

If you – like me – want to write books, then you should start:

______________________________

1. reading things similar to what you want to write

2. comparing your writing to those books – can you do that?

3. cutting back on Facebook and blogging for social fun

4. reading and commenting on fiction from other bloggers

5. asking – after you’ve commented – for them to read your work

6. writing flash fiction for quicker, specific feedback

7. finding a writing group and sharing your work

8. joining sites like writersmarket for agents & publishers

9. realizing that “good job” is not good feedback for your writing

10. writing one book while preparing and marketing another 

___________________________________

To wrap this up, here’s a short list of what I must do now:

1.  I post fiction.  Please read and critique ONLY IF you want to.
2.  I will gladly do the same for you.  Just ask.  No problem
3.  I take your suggestions seriously.  You improve my writing.
4.  I am getting queries ready to pitch to agents.

This is what I need to do to be the kind of “writer” I want to be.

Several people recently complained that I do not read or comment on their blogs as much as they read and comment on mine.  That is unfortunately true.  I don’t.  I can’t possibly do that while accomplishing what I need to accomplish.  However, here is what I have always done and will certainly always do:

If you have something you want me to read, please tell me.  E-mail me or send me a link through my comments.  Say, “Rich, can you tell me what you think of this?  I will never fail to read and comment because I know how valuable that is, but I can’t regularly browse through blogs and read everything like I once did.  That is the best I can do, and that is completely fair.  If I am asking you to read my work, I better be equally ready to read your work.  I am, and I will.

The only way to do it is to do it.

Thanks very much for putting up with me.

SmokingJacket_KindHearts3

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#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 03/01

February 28, 2013

First, my apologies for barely reading anyone’s fine work last week.  I had some serious (on a legal matter) writing to do that ate up a ton of time.   Second, this was one of the toughest yet to come up with something, but I like what I ended up with.  I hope you do too.

Every Wednesday Rumbleseat Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt challenging writers to create a 100-word story, poem, or whatever works for you.  After posting your work on your blog,  go back to her site and add your link on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

________________________

 home-made-car

The Car

David ditches work early, swirls the last gulp of lemonade, eyes the old car Mom built.  Smiles, remembers “driving” to California until Mom called “Dinnertime!”  Mexico for tacos,  Atlanta for baseball, until Mom called “Bedtime!”  Lunchbox packed, Disney-bound, until Mom said – differently – “Dad’s home.”

Dad’s home.  Smiles dried, hands twitched, eyes unsure.  Dad’s home.  Voices stuttered, bruises ached.  Mom, David, quietly awaited barks and permission.  Run to the fridge when Dad swirled the last gulp of Budweiser.  Dad’s home.

Schoolbus pulls away.  David Jr. runs up the driveway, smiling, singing, “Dad’s home!”

“C’mon, Son.  Let’s go for a drive.”

________________________

100 words

I started with a story about missing kids and an FBI investigation, searching the car for clues, but it didn’t pan out.  Then I switched to the car being a time-travel device for two kids, but I couldn’t figure out to end it.  Although I abandoned that one, I kept its essence.  Then it became a “time travel” device for a sad kid with difficult parents, but it became too sad to write it.  So I kept that but twisted it to be more upbeat instead of depressing.  I think that was a good idea.

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Language Pet Peeves 6 – Obviously

February 25, 2013

1.  Transitive vs. Intransitive Verbs

2.  You and Me and I

3.  He and She and They

4.  Unconscious vs. Subconscious

5.  Obviously, you suck

Cameron-Diaz-Maxim-June-2011-Pic-1

_______________________

1.  Transitive vs. Intransitive Verbs

Many writers like to give advice.  By giving advice, it makes us feel like other people we believe we are writers because we know things that those other people didn’t know about writing.  So we assume that they assume that we have done more writing because we know more about writing.  Not so.

One of the prime pieces of advice that writers give to appear more “writerly” is to never use intransitive verbs, only use transitive.  Unfortunately, not everyone knows what the hell that means.  Transitive verbs “transfer” action from the subject to the object.  Intransitive verbs (notice the “In,” like “In”decent – not decent) do NOT transfer action.  Intransitive sentences are those in which the subject didn’t do anything but instead had something done TO it.  Let me show you.

Becca kicked my balls.   Transitive sentence.

Becca, the subject, committed the action upon the object, my balls.

Easy, right?

My balls were kicked by BeccaIntransitive sentence.

My balls, the subject, did nothing other than receive the action of the kicking.  Instead of the subject doing any action, it was the object doing the action.  The subject did nothing but instead had something done upon it.  With vengeance.

kick_to_balls

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2.  You and Me and I

I love stupid people.  Stupid people think they know things and then, when attempting to prove what they think they know, they fuck it up.  Then I smile.  You do too, provided you’re not one of those stupid ones.  Stupid people eventually believe that they must stop saying “You and me” and should always say “You and I.”  They don’t realize that sometimes you still have to say “You and me.”  Do you know how to figure it out?  If so, you’re not stupid.  You can go.  The rest of you, sit down.

Normally, “You and I” will appear at the beginning of a sentence because, normally, “You and I” will be the subject.  Although “you” is fairly universal, “I” is a subject pronoun.  It’s like this.

Rich needs to buy condoms.

Rich is the subject.  But I wouldn’t actually refer to myself as Rich, not unless there’s something wrong with me.  Instead, I would likely say:

I need to buy condoms.

If a pronoun is needed to replace the subject, you use a subject pronoun.  In this case, it’s “I.”  Now, let’s look at the object pronoun.  You might remember from the transitive/intransitive crap that usually the object is towards the end of the sentence.  Like “balls” when “Becca kicked my balls.”  Let’s make Rich the object this time instead of the subject.

Someone buy Rich some condoms.

Now, Rich is the object.  Now, let’s find a pronoun for the object.

Someone buy (I/me) some condoms.

Which sounds right?  Which is right?  Me.  But none of this addresses whether to say “You and me” or “You and I.”  Calm down.  I’m getting to that.

You and (I/me) need to buy condoms.

Not sure if it’s subject or object?  Take the sound test.  Remove “You.”  What sounds right?

I need to buy condoms – orMe need to buy condoms?

I, of course.  Now let’s do the same thing but switch the location of You and I and me.

Please buy you and (I/me) some condoms.

Same as before, let’s remove “You.”

Please buy I some condoms – or – Please buy me some condoms?

Me, of course, because that location is for the object pronoun, and the object pronoun is “me” and not “I.”  So, when you’re not sure whether to you “You and me” or “You and I,” just cut out the “You” and decide which sounds better between “me” and “I.”

condoms_640_632_s_c1_center_top_0_0

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3.  He or She or They

I’m all about being politically correct.  Can’t tell you just how happy I was when we started using “police officer” instead of “policeman,” or “mail carrier” instead of “mail man,” or “fire fighter” instead of “fireman.”  Ooooh, how that gives me douche chills.  Want more douche chills?  Then read these examples:

If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he should return it.

If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, she should return it.

If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, they should return it.

So which is right?  All?  NFW.  Lots of people tend to use “they” because they’re afraid of being sexist.  How?  Well, is it sexist to assume that “anyone” is going to be male?  What if the “anyone” is female?  What if Britney is lesbian?  What if a female took Britney’s virginity?  It could happen.  Charge the camera batteries, just in case.  Anyway, using “they” is  both wrong and stupid.  It’s wrong because “anyone” is “one” person.  You can’t use “they” to represent “one” person, dipshit.  I should know because I used it for a long time until the grammar police shoved a nightstick up my ass.

With “they” tossed out, what’s left?  What about that “he/she” thing?  Like this:

If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he/she should return it.

That looks pretty stupid and sort of like a reference to a hermaphrodite.

If anyone finds Britney’s virginity, he or she should return it.

Correct but it still looks dumb.  Here’s another correct but dumb-looking way to write it:

Should one find Britney’s virginity, one should return it.

Here’s what I do.  I rewrite the sentence so that I don’t have to use either one.  Shhh.  Watch this:

Should one find Britney’s virginity, please return it.

See?  I wrote it in such a way to remove that choice.  Now, it’s completely politically correct without sounding stupid.  Mostly.

oops+i+did+it+again

________________________________

4.  Unconscious vs. Subconscious

Holy fuck and a half, I can’t tell you how many writers – published writers – in things like Time magazine, CNN, doctors removing toy cars from my rectum, so many people using these two words incorrectly.

What is conscious?  It means “awake and aware of one’s environment.”  Like being up and about, making coffee, watering flowers, jerking off to a good porn site.  The usual stuff.

What is unconscious?  “not awake or aware of one’s environment.”  Like being asleep, perhaps from jerking off too much.  Like being cracked in the head with a bat, lying on the floor, dreaming of jerking off too much.

What is subconscious?  “beneath, hidden, or unseen by your regular awake self.”  Like when your wife usually throws something at you just after she screams your name.  Then, in a reaction that is built into your brain through learning, you immediately duck every time you hear her scream your name.  That’s your subconscious mind at work.

Although writers get this incorrect more than 50% of the time, I have to wonder about the editors who supposedly are reviewing what I’m reading.  Too many times I read something like this:

My wife sent me for milk, but I unconsciously drove to the strip bar.

Really?  So you were driving while you were asleep?  No, dumbshit.  It goes like this:

My wife sent me for milk, but I SUBconsciously drove to the strip bar.

You weren’t asleep.  You just acted or reacted without applying much thought due to either what you have learned or what you have grown accustomed to doing regularly, like going to a strip bar.

StripperPole-Doutzen-Kroes-002

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5.  Obviously, you suck

Obvious and obviously are two of the most over used and incorrectly used words in the English language.  Not only are they overused, but they’re downright insulting.  To even use obviously is almost wrong because it appears to state something that doesn’t need to be stated.  I’ll use an example to illustrate my point.

Obvious – easily seen, recognized, understood, or evident

Rich is obviously one messed up guy.StraightJacketDeluxeb

If it is obvious, then why mention it?  To make yourself feel better?  To appear more knowledgeable?  It is little more than a polite way of saying this:

Everyone except you knows that Rich is one messed up guy.

What could be the reason for that?  Also, what is the result if the person to whom you’re speaking is not aware of it?  It seems as if you’re bragging that you know something that the other person doesn’t know.  I would bet that 99% of the time that you might use the word obviously, I can rewrite it without that word, retain the meaning, and help you sound less insulting.  But why would I rewrite it?  Do it yourself, you lazy shit.

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2013 Academy Award Predictions

February 24, 2013

oscars2011fotoswallpapers

Before I get into my predictions, let me first say how greatly disappointed I am at the choice of Seth MacFarlane to host the show.  I’m not a big fan of Family Guy.  One episode was great, but I’m tired of it now.  The only thing  I hope is that his act is funnier than his hairpiece.seth-macfarlane-4th-annual-governors-awards-02

Now, about these predictions.  When it comes to the films and actors nominated in all the major categories, I have seen six of the nine films represented.  That’s not bad.  However, there are some categories for which I had to completely guess.  In those instances, I usually looked for something that Academy voters lean towards, such as international attention and current events.  And gays.  They like gays out there, from what I hear.

So – here ya go.

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Best Motion Picture of the YearArgo-Movie-Poster-2

Argo (2012): Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck, George Clooney

 _____

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

Denzel Washington for Flight (2012/I)

_____

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Rolelawrence_2397638b

Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

 _____

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

_____

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables (2012)

_____

Best Achievement in Directing121211AngLee_7010909

Ang Lee for Life of Pi (2012)

 _____

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen

Moonrise Kingdom (2012): Wes Anderson, Roman Coppola

_____

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published

Argo (2012): Chris Terrio

_____

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year1008275-tim-burton-premiere-de-620x0-1

Frankenweenie (2012): Tim Burton

_____

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year

Amour (2012)(Austria)

_____

Best Achievement in CinematographyLife-of-Pi-Featurettes

Life of Pi (2012): Claudio Miranda

_____

Best Achievement in Editing

Life of Pi (2012): Tim Squyres

_____

Best Achievement in Production Design

Les Misérables (2012): Eve Stewart, Anna Lynch-Robinson

_____

Best Achievement in Costume Designwalnutcostumes

Les Misérables (2012): Paco Delgado

_____

Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling

Les Misérables (2012): Lisa Westcott, Julie Dartnell

 _____

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score

Skyfall (2012): Thomas Newman

 _____

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Songskyfall_adele

Skyfall (2012): Adele, Paul Epworth(“Skyfall”)

_____

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing

Life of Pi (2012): Ron Bartlett, Doug Hemphill, Drew Kunin

_____

Best Achievement in Sound Editing

Life of Pi (2012): Eugene Gearty, Philip Stockton

_____

Best Achievement in Visual Effects

Life of Pi (2012): Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik De Boer, Donald Elliott

_____

Best Documentary, Feature

How to Survive a Plague (2012): David France, Howard Gertler

_____

Best Documentary, Short Subject

Redemption (2012/V): Jon Alpert, Matthew O’Neill

 _____

Best Short Film, Animated

Adam and Dog (2011): Minkyu Lee

_____

Best Short Film, Live Action

Buzkashi Boys (2012): Sam French, Ariel Nasr


#fridayfictioneers via rochelle – 2/22

February 21, 2013

Every Wednesday Rundown Wisoff-Fields posts a picture prompt challenging writers to create a 100-word story, poem, or whatever works for you.  After posting your work on your blog,  go back to her site and add your link on her Friday Fictioneers post.  Place.  Page.

I’m going to try to keep up with this, as should you.  Give it a shot.  I prefer to stick to 100 words, but she doesn’t mind either way.  Not everyone has the time to sit and write, revise, edit, revise, edit, etc. until getting it down to 100 and telling everything you want to tell.

________________________

 copyright-janet-webb

The Barn

Two children sit in a barn loft.

“Granpa Wilson demolishing this tomorrow,” he complains.

“Why?”

“Building a new one.”

“After all these years?” she whines.  “Where we gonna play?”

“I’m staying right here.  He don’t scare me.”

“He’s knocking it down ‘cause he hates us playing here.”

He drops from the loft.  “He don’t even know we’re here.”

Sure he knows,” she smiles.  “Hands shaking,” she mimics.  ”Holding his gun when we get too loud.  Let him knock it down.  Ain’t chasing me away.”

Next morning, backhoes dig the foundation, then stop.

“Ho-ly Christ.”

“What’s that?”

“Bones.  Go get Wilson.”

________________________

100 words

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“Drive” – Actions speak louder than words

February 20, 2013

261605,xcitefun-drive-movie-poster-3

Occasionally, you might watch a movie that doesn’t really thrill you, and you wonder why it earned so much chatter.  Then, hours or the next day later, you’re still thinking about it until finally a piece fits, then another, and then another.  Then you start to understand.  That’s what happened with Drive, directed by Nicolas Winding Refn, starring Ryan Gosling, and nominated for pretty much everything from 2011 except any major Academy Awards, but it did gain best director at Cannes.

Bryan-Cranston-Drive-movie-image“Kid” aka “Driver” (Gosling) rarely speaks nor smiles.  He does three things as best he can:  drive, fix cars, and go unnoticed.  They are in that order because Kid is very successful at driving and fixing cars, but things go wrong when he forgets to remain unnoticed.  With the help of former stuntman Shannon (Bryan Cranston), he lands paying gigs driving stunt cars for film producers during the day and getaway cars for criminals at night.  Everything he does is clear and concise.  He leaves no prints and no evidence.  He throws away cell phones after a job and steals the getaway car before it.  If anyone is off the grid, it’s Kid.  And it’s part of his plan.

Drive opens with a car chase in which all wheels stay on the road, no sidewalks are involved, and no fruit carts get smashed.  Kid barely says ten words and almost leaves one of the perpetrators at the scene because his hard and fast rule is “five minutes.  During that five minutes, I’m yours.  One minute before or after, you’re on your own.”  The key here is “on your own,” which is what Kid tries to be as long as possible.  When he lets his guard down and abandons the “on your own,” that’s when things go wrong.

Down the hall from his apartment are Irene (Carey Mulligan) and Benicio (Kaden Leos), the wife and son of Standard (Oscar Issac), in jail for crimes not explained but likely robbery.  When Irene has car trouble in a convenience store parking lot, Kid drives her and Benicio home, and this is where Kid is not “on your own.”  A ride home leads to talking.  Talking leads to dinner.  Dinner leads to dates.  Dates lead to holding hands.  Kid actually smiles but still barely talks – until Irene gets a phone call.  Standard found a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Albert-Brooks-in-Drive-535x804On the professional side, Shannon takes care of Kid, pays him to fix cars at the garage while putting together a partnership for a race team.  This is where the surprise of the film arrives in the form of Albert Brooks as Bernie, the former film producer turned wanna-be mob boss trying to hustle a buck.  Bernie agrees to front Shannon $300,000 to start the race team and hire Kid to drive, and it all seems promising until – again – Kid forgets about “on your own.”  There are deals, double crosses, daggers, and I can’t think of something having to do with guns that starts with a D.  Dammit.  Hey, there’s one.  Brooks, who completely reinvents himself, gained dozens of nominations and wins for best supporting actor from a long list of film associations across the country, including Austin, Boston, Chicago, BAFTA, Dallas-Ft. Worth, Golden Globes, and more.

Drive is all about the food chain.  Who is bigger than who?  Who can kill who?  Who can help who?  Who can buy who?  And who isn’t looking when who wants to either plant him with a bullet or a blade?  There are crosses and double crosses, sometimes getting too complicated for the good of the film but not for the good of the action.  Carey Mulligan (Public Enemy, The Great Gatsby) does an excellent job of looking cute and innocent while staying out of the way and letting all the wrong happen around her.  She knows that her husband, now out of jail, is not yet done with his life of crime.  Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad, Argo) is likeable yet weasely enough to be a middle man flunky, above Kid but below Bernie.  There’s violence, and some of it downright disgusting, especially someone skull crunching that sound like biting into an apple.

Carey-Mulligan

But back to the puzzle piece that saved me from disliking Drive.  Listen carefully when Shannon is explaining to Irene how he met Kid and how and why he gave him a job.  It wasn’t until a day after seeing the film that I remembered the dialogue.  This short speech, combined with a few moments in which Kid played nicely with Irene’s son Benicio, further combined with the final shot of the film, allowed me to better understand what Kid was all about.

Of all the good things in drive, something really annoyed me, and I assume I should blame it on Refn, the director.  There’s an 80′s attachment here.  The music is 80′s, Kid’s jacket is 80′s, and even the stupid font of the opening credits is reminiscent of many bad 80′s movies.  Why?  I hated the 80′s, but I did not hate Drive.

Teacher gives it a B+.


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