Your Weekend Horoscopes 1/26

Aries That cigarette you’re holding will finally be your last one, but it’s not because you’re quitting. ______________________________________ Taurus At least you’ll still have the other two children. ______________________________________ Gemini  Sorry, but statistically, someone has to drown. ______________________________________ Cancer For your whole life you’ve called her “Mom.” That’s about to change. ______________________________________ Leo “What goes up must…

Your Weekly Horoscopes – 1/18

Aries Good news: Your loneliness is about to end. Bad news: They’ll have badges. ______________________________________ Taurus Don’t buy those new socks just yet.  Something important is approaching, and you might only need half as many. ______________________________________ Gemini Like swimming?  So do sharks.  Just saying. ______________________________________ Cancer Don’t even bother.  You’re so fucked. ______________________________________ Leo You’re…