Your Weekend Horoscopes 1/26

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aries-horoscope-sign-i4

Aries

That cigarette you’re holding will finally be your last one,

but it’s not because you’re quitting.

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taurus-horoscope-sign-i11

Taurus

At least you’ll still have the other two children.

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Gemini-horoscope-2013

Gemini 

Sorry, but statistically, someone has to drown.

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cancer-horoscope-2013

Cancer

For your whole life you’ve called her “Mom.”

That’s about to change.

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leo

Leo

“What goes up must come down” applies equally

to baseballs and Boeing.  Enjoy those peanuts.

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virgo-horoscope-pictures-i17

Virgo

True, she’s 18.  Think her father cares?  Pack light.

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libra-horoscope-sign-522

Libra

That death smell in the attic?  Turns out it’s bigger than a squirrel.

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scorpio

Scorpio

Go ahead, name it “Fluffy.”  Previous owner called it “Satan.”

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sagittarius-

Sagittarius

True – sometimes they do grow back, but not for humans.

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capricorn-horoscope-today-i18

Capricorn

Rock breaks scissors, but paper ain’t covering shit.  Run!

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Horoscope-Aquarius2

Aquarius

Good news:  You’re birthday will be fabulous!

Bad news:  Wear a skirt you’re willing to lose.

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Pisces

Pisces

I know it’s off topic, but can you look at that without thinking “69?”

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See you next week!

Maybe Aquarius will have a new skirt.

Maybe not.  😉

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