Your Weekly Horoscopes – 1/18

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Aries

Good news: Your loneliness is about to end.

Bad news: They’ll have badges.

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Taurus

Don’t buy those new socks just yet.  Something important is approaching, and you might only need half as many.

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Gemini

Like swimming?  So do sharks.  Just saying.

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Cancer

Don’t even bother.  You’re so fucked.

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leo

Leo

You’re getting fired next week.  There’ll never be a better time to slap the boss’s ass.  Or his daughter’s.

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Virgo

Just admit you’re gay.  You think they don’t know?

C’mon.  Who else would wear those shoes?

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Libra

Don’t be a pussy!  Make up your mind already!

That’s why they all hate you.

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scorpio

Scorpio

That fear of needles is about to pay off.  Hint:  Buy sunglasses.

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Sagittarius

Sorry.  You’re gonna step in dog shit.  Even if you never leave home.

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Capricorn

Your husband/wife was right.  You forgot to lock the door.

Pick up a knife on the way home.

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Aquarius

That seems like just an annoying cough, but they haven’t even given a name to what you caught from that prostitute.  And, that was a dude.

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Pisces

Pisces

Congrats!  You’re pregnant!  But when he’s 12, he’ll kill the dog.

Trust me.

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See you next week!  Unless you’re Capricorn.

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61 thoughts on “Your Weekly Horoscopes – 1/18

  1. hmmm *looks at feet*, I don’t wear shoes too often, so I’m not worried. I have basic black shoes anyway, goes with everything.

  2. Rich, I believe you may be reading the stars with a bit of dyslexia. The result is quite entertaining, but I’m not sure how accurate this is. For instance, as a Gemini I certainly wont be swimming. Pfft, its winter. Um, a shark fin just went floating by the window. I’m leaving.

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