(Washington, DC) “We know we’re close,” said Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX). “It all hinges upon how many of those stubborn Injuns are willing to move there.” In a stunning move, the House passed HB – 1098 by a narrow margin, only 210 to 208 with 14 not voting. The bill, introduced by Gohmert and supported by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), calls to change the name of the Indian Ocean to the Native American Ocean.
Rep. Terri Sewell (D-AL), who led the charge against the bill, said, “Look, I’m from the South. I’m not fan of those people either. But how the hell do you rename an ocean that’s not even ours? I mean, can we at least wait until we invade there first?”
“Even though we got the votes we needed,” said Gohmert, who sponsored the bill, “it will still be a challenge getting them redskins to paddle their little canoes halfway around the world. But heck, you think if you give them their own ocean they’d show a little respect and get out of a proud country that doesn’t want them around.”
Gohmert did his best with a late-night push while wearing a full Comanche headdress and attempting what he called a “traditional rain dance” on the House floor. He attempted to bring a tomahawk, but the Capitol Police wouldn’t allow him through security checkpoints with it.
“Dag nabbit,” Gohmert allegedly yelled as the metal detectors beeped, “do you really think I’m a terrorist? Just look at me. I’m like white on rice.”
Still, the tomahawk was confiscated. It could not be confirmed, but a source close to the officer in charge was overheard telling Gohmert that he could have it back when his parents came in to pick it up.
“This was a big win today,” said Cruz, “but we know the fight is not over yet. When the vote comes up in the Senate next week, those wimpy-ass Democrats will be on the war path. No pun intended.”
Also up for vote today, but not as successful as the bill designed to benefit Native Amercians was SB – 20M, known as the “White Votes Count Twice Act.” It seems that Pres. Obama will not have to worry about fulfilling his pledge to “veto that one faster than an NBA white forward gets to the bench.” No white NBA forwards could be reached for comment.