Documents Confirm: Lincoln Would Have Been Dead By Now Anyway

(Baltimore, MD) – After a careful examination of Presidential documents and records found in the archives of the Library of Congress as well as the Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Illinois, Dr. Howard McGee of Johns Hopkins University has proven definitively that had Lincoln not been shot, he would have been dead by now anyway.

Jolie Removes Child’s Teeth to Prevent Future Cavities

(Los Angeles) – Following her recent surgeries to stave off the potential for breast and ovarian cancer, Angelina Jolie has now taken preventative measures with her children. Starting with 8-year old daughter Shiloh, born in Namibia, Jolie has ordered the child’s teeth removed to stop any chance of the her ever having cavities.

Louie Gohmert

GOP Bill to Rename Indian Ocean Passes House

(Washington, DC)  “We know we’re close,” said Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX).  “It all hinges upon how many of those stubborn Injuns are willing to move there.”  In a stunning move, the House passed HB – 1098 by a narrow margin, only 210 to 208 with 14 not voting.  The bill, introduced by Gohmert and supported…