to be “freshly pressed” (FP) is cool. it means that someone, somewhere, for some reason, thinks that what you wrote is relevant, witty, visually outstanding, poignant, provocative, or any combination, but not limited to, those nice words. it means your thoughts or product will be posted to be seen by the entire wordpress community, or at least those who know about it. i was probably using wordpress for close to half a year before i knew FP existed. as cool as it is, and as cool as i may or may not be, i will never be FP, unless FP stands for “f#cking pr!ck.”
1. i am not female. my research has shown that 94.88% of all FP are female. further, 67% of all female FP are hot. the remaining 33% that aren’t hot, are really hot.
2. i’m not big with photography. it seems 70% of all FP have a landscape or artsy/city theme with pictures that i could never take with my kodak whatever-it-is that shoots great pics outside but has trouble in the dim light of my kids’ dance recitals and school plays. and of those 70%, 95% of those have to do with international travel. i’ve only left the US twice, and that’s if you count a carnival cruise to the caribbean. the one time i went out of the country, to italy, it was only for a weekend. don’t ask.
3. i’m not a “foodie.” i don’t know what a foodie is, but i know i’m not one, and the only reason i know that is because i have only written two posts about food. from my calculations, 49% of all FP are about fabulous recipes that would add another ten pounds to the ten pounds i gained in the past month since i retired from teaching.
4. i don’t write about kids. although i have kids, i’ve only written about them in 4 of over 200 posts. since 43.9% of all FP are about the wonderful, cutsey, annoying things that your special little cherubs did during playtime, i will never be FB because i don’t think my kids are so special that their every juice spill is subconscious art.
5. details, details. i will never be FP because i include too much detail in my writing. just this morning i read FP about the perils of something called “pinterest.” not once in the post did it explain what the hell pinterest is, but the story said it will ruin my life. although i suspect that it was written by a disgruntled pinterest user, i’ll probably follow the advice without ever knowing what i’m avoiding.
6. details details. i will never be FP because i don’t include enough details in my writing. There’s a blog i follow by a guy named frank. while i think i’m skilled at essays, his attention to detail makes my work look like i might get 2nd place in a 6th grade essay contest when the rest of the class is out with the chicken pox.
7. pick a theme. if 63% of all FP blogs consistently stick to a theme, then they are going to find a greater following among people who are also into that theme. i’ve been blogging about 6 years, and it wasn’t until about a year and a half ago that i even knew what a “tag” is. i was using “categories,” not “tags,” but i don’t know the difference, so i probably don’t deserve to be FP if i can’t understand how the damn thing functions. as for themes, i’ve seen blog titles like “interesting things to do with blueberries.” really? can there be more than six? how do you make a whole blog theme about that? and then, how do you have enough entries to be FP? i know blueberries are a powerful food and fight cancer, but a whole theme? i could understand if it were apples, but not blueberries. and i hear the little dark blue bastards are starting to call themselves “indigo” just to be different.
8. i’m not funny enough to be FP, and the stats say that 103% of all FP have a “humor” tag. there’s a blog i follow by this girl, three actually, won’t say their names, but they’re damn funny. and they all hit item 1 about being really hot. i feel bad because i’m reading how one’s husband was cheating on her, but i’m laughing because she makes it funny. one of them has a picture of her legs in her banner. holy christ. but that isn’t why i read her blog. or the other one who occasionally…never mind.
9. i’m not into tributes. i admit i’m not a fan of famous people dying. but if one does, there will be a gutload of FP to honor that person, and i don’t honor anyone, except the few blogs i follow. and my sister who knows more about football than me, and i know a lot. anyway, i don’t wish anyone (except…) to be dead, but i hate phony tributes. i wasn’t happy that whitney houston died, but i was less happy to read about how she was a pioneer in the music industry for black women. really? have you not heard of diana ross? aretha franklin? natalie cole? etta james? gladys knight? donna summer? dionne warwick? ronnie spector? lena horne? well, i’m blacker than lena horne, so scratch her off. fair point. i also wasn’t happy to read that whitney put a national spotlight on newark, nj. i thought murder had already done that, but maybe i’m wrong. and i’m not saying she wasn’t great, and maybe she was above all those i named, but she wasn’t a pioneer.
10. i don’t capitalize consistently. film critic roger ebert once asked me if i am a fan of poet e.e. cummings, who also used capitalization sparingly. exactly 100% of all FB have absolutely zero errors in capitalization. zero. not one mistake. ever ever never, but not me. i have many but on purpose. follow me on this – i was aware of and using e-mail a long time before most people. when i started e-mailing people, i realized that there was no reason to put my name at the end because people would see my name in the e-mail address and would know it was from me. and there was no reason to put their names at the beginning because they didn’t need me to tell them who they are. once i stopped putting my name at the end, almost all rules were off the table. but i don’t mess around when it comes to punctuation. never had a semi-colon jammed up your ass? keep it up with the lazy punctuation, and you’ll be crossing that off your bucket list.
ps. i also don’t have the word “musings” in my description or banner of my blog. that seems necessary.