reblogged from last year – because over 2,000 followers didn’t know me then. and if you did read it last year, it’s a little different, in a bad way.
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There’s only one day of the whole year that I truly hate, and it’s not one that I should hate. It’s Christmas. For about a dozen years I’ve spent Christmas Eve doing pretty much the same thing. I wrap gifts for my kids and put them under the tree, stare at them a little while, and then go to bed hoping not to wake up until the 26th. No matter how many gifts I might be able to give them, it never feels like enough, but that’s not the hard part. The really hard, hateful part is that I then go to bed knowing that I won’t see them at all on Christmas Day.
Regardless, when I go to bed on Christmas Eve, I try as hard as I can to not cry, but I always lose. And it’s not just crying. It’s choking, sobbing, heaving, shoulder-shaking cries. There have been some Christmas Eve’s that I’ve had someone next to me in bed. They tried to console me and ask what was wrong, but it wasn’t easy to explain.
Christmas Day isn’t much better. I spend it trying to focus on who is there instead of who isn’t. I don’t like to open gifts because the gifts to my kids will just sit there until the 26th. I don’t like a big deal to be made about Christmas. I know that’s selfish, but we’re all allowed to be selfish sometimes. I know that my attitude on Christmas doesn’t allow those around me to enjoy the day as fully as they might, but that’s because I don’t enjoy the day as fully as I might either.
I’m going to guess that IF my kids had been reading, they’ve gotten bored or annoyed and have moved on, so I can tell the rest now. I don’t see my kids on Christmas because of two people: their mother and the rotten divorce attorney that I had. In the divorce agreement that was written more than ten years ago, my ex wanted the kids all day on Christmas while I wanted to either share the day or alternate each year. My attorney wasn’t really a divorce attorney but was doing it to pay the bills until she became a prosecutor, which she did shortly after mishandling my case. She convinced me to let the ex have Christmas because a few years down the road ex-wives are usually more friendly and willing to split or alternate Christmas Day.
Turns out the attorney was wrong, and the ex has become more stubborn about the holiday. One of my kids recently asked her mother about spending half of the day with me. The ex went on a hell of a tirade and used the word “I” roughly 25 times in explaining how hurtful it was for my kid to suggest that she would like to spend any part of Christmas Day with me. Now the ex has a child with the new husband and is using that child to convince my kids even more strongly how wrong it would be if they were to spend Christmas with me because it would mean that their little sister would miss them soooo much.
So this year, my ex-wife has divorced her second husband. And to add to her selfish legacy, she immediately – the very same day she left that husband – allowed her new boyfriend to move into her new home. So for this Christmas, she’s allowing all the kids to stay at her second ex-husband’s home. Son of a bitch. For about 13 years I’ve been fighting to see my kids on Christmas Day. She won’t allow me to do that – but she will allow her second husband, the one who isn’t even the father of my kids, she’s allowing him to have my kids on Christmas morning. Don’t that beat the shit out of everything? Damn yeah.
Now, I realize that it’s her day, and she has the right to give that day up to someone whom she chooses, but you’d think that if she had any, any decency, she’d allow the actual, biological father to have his own kids on Christmas morning. This is why I won’t be sad of a bus plasters her carcass across a four-lane highway. Oh, I’ll be sad for the bus driver, maybe the passengers too, but I won’t be sad for her.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
brainsnorts inc. 
I wish I had anything more eloquent to say than, AAARGH. But that is all I can up with, added to a “sorry.”
i like the “aaargh.” it says a lot. thanks.
Holy hell. That is one cold… To hurt you year after year. Truly sorry.
thanks for your kind thoughts. yeah, since 2001 we’ve been split, but she still wants more more more.
Well…here I am reading a story so remarkably similar to mine it is a shock and a half, especially the “I” 25 times. All the more saddening.
sad, but your thoughts are helpful. thanks and happy holidays.
My own divorce was so amicable I am continually amazed at how petty people can be. After all, once we had decided it was over there was no longer any reason to fight – at least that’s how I saw it. Of course, we had no kids, but I think we would have been pretty amicable about it if we had.
I’m really sorry that your Christmases are emotionally difficult. I wish I could say something sensible yet inspiring and uplifting.
I remember when I was a teenager, one of my boyfriend’s friend’s parents were divorced. His father got custody and moved the family from California to New Jersey. If their great big Victorian in Montclair was any indication, he was far from broke. Meanwhile, his mother was close to penniless and she spent half her vacation and driving an old car that looked on the verge of falling apart from the West Coast to the East Coast, spent one day with her kids, and spent the rest of the vacation driving back. It didn’t escape the notice of the kids that while the mother couldn’t afford a plane ticket the father sure could have. I met his mother once. Sometime I think I never had kids because the idea of winding up like her was terrifying. (She seemed perfectly nice herself, but the level of emotion between her and the kids was overwhelming.)
People don’t get what they deserve in life. It’s just chance and sometimes it sucks. Sorry, that’s about as profound as I get. True, if I had been a jerk, my divorce couldn’t have been amicable, but that alone wouldn’t have stopped my ex from being a jerk himself. It was just luck, just as it was bad luck that I married someone with whom I was incompatible in the first place.
yes, sometimes it’s just luck, mood, time of day, etc. right now, my kid is down to her last pair of contact lenses. her mother was supposed to order more, but she doesn’t because she knows that i’ll run out and get them. even though that’s what $900 a month child support is for. it never ends. thanks for your kind thoughts.
Really sorry to read this, Rich… my kids Mom could be her sister, I understand a little how much Christmas can hurt.
my ex has a sister who is rather mystified by the whole thing. she doesn’t do anything to help, but she does recognize that her sister is nuts. thanks for your kind thoughts.
(i thought you didn’t want comments? you know you can turn them on or off for each post right? bleh. fuck it, it’s over now anyways, i spent it listening to howling winds making tuna casserole because it’s all i had left to eat, non perishable stuff)
p.s. my comment is in brackets because i’m whispering, and there’s no such thing for a whisper font.
p.p.s. what i want for christmas is a whisper font, and a sarcasm font, but i’ve been asking that one for years
p.p.p.s. she probably has parsley on her front teeth, and a breath that smells of decay and rotten wood
That’s a fun comment. An excellent distraction. We just opened stuff with the kid, and it was all good. A day late, but all good. Thanks, and enjoy your travels.
😉
Because of other family stuff (nothing malicious in our case just complicated by elderly relatives) my daughter has not had ‘Christmas Day’ dinner here for the last three years, now fair enough she is twenty but she is also a big kid at heart so we have our own christmas a few days after the 25th. This year we will be having it on sunday 29th complete with all the trimmings yet again, have your own special christmas each year and don’t think the 25th as something you miss out on rather just another day closer to your own special day with the kids
I remember this … nonetheless, the bestivus for the season.
And to all a good night.
Sorry to hear about your Christmas woes. When I lived in the happy little bubble my parents created for me, I couldn’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t LOVE this time of year. I popped that bubble myself a long while ago now and have seen how this “joyous” season exacerbates many wounds. I don’t know how old your children are, but if it’s any consolation I have seen many adult children turn against the “bully” parent of their upbringing. You may not see your Christmases pass in the same way forever. I hope your new year brings you some much-needed hope.
The 15 year old has slowly turned against the bully. The 19 year old has distanced herself from everyone. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences, and happy holidays to you and yours.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s a wound that never heals. I would like to apologize on behalf of my gender for both your ex-wife’s behavior and your crappy lawyer.
I’m reminded, though, that Christmas is bigger than family, kids or presents. Christmas is about the amazing gift God gave us, and the whole reason for that gift was because of situations just like these. Praying you’ll feel God’s presence anyway.
i want to be where that’s a comforting thought – but i’m just not at that place. however, it is wonderful that you are at such a place, and i would never do anything to take anyone away from such a place. thanks very much.
Wow and I thought things were bad between my X and I… Keep in mind that many of us do have to alternate Christmases with our exes and on those off years, we have to celebrate Christmas on a different day. (You do get to see your kid at some point during the holidays, right?). Christmas is about so much more than the December 25 square on the calendar – but it I can certainly relate to it being a shitty day – at least every other year.
Just remember that there are more divorced dads out here in the blogosphere than any of us realize.
yes, christmas is more than just the 25th, definitely. one positive is that i was able to take advantage of christmas day sales and pick up a few last-minutes gifts on the night of the 25th before seeing my kids on the morning of the 26th.
and yes, there are many divorced dads out there, and that’s partly why i wrote this, so more of us can know that we’re not the only ones.
thanks for stopping by.