(Wilsonville, OR) – Don’t be surprised if your next speeding ticket says, “Signs point to yes.” With tax rates dropping and businesses leaving the area, budget cuts have hit hard, leaving Wilsonville Police Chief Artie Stone with few options.
“We don’t have the funds to upgrade or repair our old radar guns. Speeding tickets are given out pretty randomly anyway, so we’re saving money while providing the same services. That’s a win-win in my book because now we don’t have to layoff any patrolmen. Patrolpersons. People. Whatever it is I have to say to be politically correct.”
Wilsonville highway patrols will soon be shaking Magic 8-Balls instead of aiming radar guns when cars are rushing by on I-5. Details are still being ironed out, but it seems the current plan is to shake the 8-Ball at the first sight of a car approaching, then turn it over for the result. Still, there are complications ahead.
“It’s not practical to use it on every car,” said Chief Stone, “so we’re working on a system for selecting which cars to apply it.” When asked by the town council for preliminary ideas, Chief Stone said, “I suppose color.” Stone was immediately challenged on that suggestion, but he quickly clarified. “I meant the car, not the color of the driver. C’mon now. Who do you think we are? Philadelphia?”
An unnamed Philadelphia official, when asked to comment, only said, “Reply hazy.”